Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Another Day

Last night Brian and I were laying in bed and with tears in my eyes I said to Brian I want my girls back.  I want to be pregnant with them again.  I miss them SO much...

Seeing their names on a plaque in the cemetery is so confusing.  I should be 25 weeks pregnant this week.  Their little body's should be inside me not buried beneath some dirt.  I know they are with Jesus but that doesn't always make me feel better.  Would it make you if you lost a child?  I will never see them walk, I will never see them play soccer, I will never see them graduate, I will never see them get married, and I will never be a grandma to their children.  There are no words to describe the hurt.  NONE.

I fell asleep crying last night and I woke up this morning with more tears.  But by the grace of God I pulled myself out of bed and jumped in the shower.  And the day did get better.  I went with my mom to Grand Haven to visit my aunt and some cousins who were renting a cottage.  It was a beautiful day and I was surrounded by family.  And then tonight Brian had a softball game and I stayed HOME ALONE for the first time since before June 15.  I did have a back up plan (to go to my mom's house) but I did it and am so proud of myself...baby steps for me as life slowly takes on its new normal.

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