Saturday, July 31, 2010

Grief Bombs

Grief-bombs.  What exactly is a grief-bomb?  A grief-bomb is a sudden emotion that you cannot control; it hits anytime and anywhere with NO warning.  Grief-bombs...I have been having a lot of these lately.  So why would today be any different?  I woke up to a grief bomb this morning.  Curled into a ball on my bed early this afternoon because of one.  And had a third later in the afternoon.  So I think to myself was there something that triggered these bombs?  Well this morning it was the simple fact of waking up.  Early this afternoon...no trigger that I can recall.  All I know is it came on so hard and so fast.  There I laid curled in a ball on my bed sobbing my eyes out.  The sun is shining and its a beautiful day but I cannot enjoy it because of the cloud looming above me.  The third bomb...well I know what triggered that one.  I was laying on the couch and happened to look at our wedding picture and then I glanced at our entertainment center.  And the tears came just like that.  Brian sat helpless because there are no words to stop my tears.  I said, "look at how happy we were.  Will we ever be that happy again?"  And then sitting on the entertainment center is the "Cherish" Willow Tree Ornament that my parents gave to us after we told them we were pregnant.  A symbol of pure joy.  So again I think...why did our babies have to die when we wanted them so badly?  But there is no answer.  I hurt so deeply and I simply do not understand.

This afternoon after my second bomb but before my third I was sitting outside reading my latest book "Eat Pray Love."  I came across the below paragraph and it really made me think... 

"Next lifetime you might come back as one of those poor Indian women busting up rocks by the side of the road, find out life ain't so much fun.  So appreciate what you got now, OK?  Keep cultivating gratitude.  You'll live longer.  And, Groceries?  Do me a favor?  Move ahead with your life, will ya?"  "I am."  "What I mean is--find somebody new to love someday.  Take the time you need to heal, but don't forget to eventually share your heart with someone.  Don't make your life a monument to David or to your ex-husband."  "I won't," I said.  And I knew suddenly that it was true--I wouldn't.  I could feel all this old pain of lost love and past mistakes attenuating before my eyes, diminishing at last through the famous healing powers of time, patience and the grace of God.

This book has nothing to do with what is currently happening in my life but after thinking about the words (and relating them to my life) I realized a couple of things.  My life could be worse (hard to imagine but it could).  I need to enjoy my life and be happy.  I need to move forward (with the girls in my heart) and look towards the future.  I need to take the time to heal.  And time will heal (to a degree).  But since healing takes time, I need to be patient. And thankfully through God's grace this will ALL be accomplished!

While I was sitting outside reading my book, the mail came.  I went to get it and as I reached the mailbox I noticed that the mailman was driving in reverse.  He said, "missed a piece of mail" and he handed me a package.  A package from a dear friend who knows my pain all to well.  I opened it up and inside was a book.  It couldn't have arrived on a better day.  Today was a day of struggles so even though the book brought some tears...it made me smile (and laugh) too!  And I really needed to smile and laugh today.  The page that made me laugh said...

MOMMY,
PLEASE DON'T CRY...
THE ANGELS ARE ALWAYS SINGING.
I LOVE TO SING WITH THE ANGELS!
YOU'D BE SO PROUD OF ME,
I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD VOICE.
I MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT
FROM YOU.

This made me (and Brian) laugh because if you know me...I DON"T have a good voice.  But my two favorite pages said...

MOMMY, PLEASE
DON'T CRY...
SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE
TO BE BY MYSELF.
THAT'S WHEN I THINK OF YOU.
SOMEDAY MOMMY, WE WILL
HOLD EACH OTHER TIGHT!
THEN YOU WILL CRADLE ME
IN YOUR ARMS
AND STROKE MY HAIR...
AND ONCE AGAIN, OUR
HEARTS WILL
BEAT TOGETHER.

MOMMY PLEASE
DON'T CRY...
I'LL WAIT RIGHT
HERE FOR YOU.

I am a mother who will forever grieve the loss of my perfect and beautiful daughters...but I have peace knowing that someday they will be at Heaven's gates waiting just for me (and their daddy)!

1 comment:

  1. Our children will wait for us and we will be together again! What a wonderful promise from our Father.
    Praying for less grief bombs and more peaceful moments.
    Kami

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