I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning..."
Today marks my sweet Ella Adrianna's 1 month birthday in heaven. June 30, 2010 will forever be etched in my mind because my world came crashing down that day. Not only had I lost my eldest daughter but now my second daughter too. I walked out of the hospital empty handed and broken. No mother (and father) should EVER have to leave the hospital without their child(ren). We drove home in silence that day...wondering how we would ever pick up the broken pieces and begin living again. And we have begun living again its just a lot more work. I sit here crying as I type thinking about everything Ella would have been. She would have brought so much joy to our lives. I know my girls would have fought with the best of them but I know too in my heart that they would have been best friends. But now I am left with the maybes and what ifs. The day Ella was to be born, my aunt had a dream. In her dream or vision (and mind you Ella was not born yet), there was one little 5 year old girl waiting in a field. And then out of know where came a second little 5 year old girl. They took hands and hand in hand ran through the fields of heaven together!!! What a beautiful picture this is to a mother who has lost so much. For some reason, God knew he needed my second daughter too...why I do not know. But I trust that my Heavenly knows what is right and as much as I would give anything to see them running hand in hand here on earth, I know they are together in heaven. And I cling to the promise that someday I WILL get to see them running hand in hand together (and that will be for forever). Praise God!
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see
my dear sweet one,
your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.
Written with love
for all the Mother's missing their babies
by Jennifer Wasik
Our trials are great opportunities, but all too often we simply see them as large obstacles. If only we would recognize every difficult situation as something God has chosen to prove His love to us, each obstacle would then become a place of shelter and rest, and a demonstration to others of His inexpressible power...We must trust the Lord through the darkness, and honor Him with unwavering confidence even in the midst of difficult situations. The reward of this kind of faith will be like that of an eagle shedding its feathers is said to receive-a renewed sense of youth and strength. (J.R. Macduff)
If we could see beyond today
As God can see;
If all the clouds should roll away,
The shadows flee;
O'er present griefs we would not fret.
Each sorrow we would soon forget,
For many joys are waiting yet
For you and me.
If we could know beyond today
As God does know,
Why dearest treasures pass away
And tears must flow;
And why the darkness leads to light,
Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;
Some day life's wrongs will be made right,
Faith tells us so.
"If we could see, if we could know,"
We often say,
But God in love a veil does throw
Across our way;
We cannot see what lies before,
So we cling to Him the more,
He leads us till this life is o'er;
Trust and obey.
(Streams in the Desert)
Below are some of my birthday presents and gifts to the girls when they were born...
A frame (from my sis) with Jesus holding two babies
(our precious Alayna and Ella)
and a devotional (from my friend Kelly)
that renews our Hope in Him every day!
A bracelet (from my friend Laura) that has the girl's full names
on the back of the charms and a necklace (the chain is from my
hubby and in-laws for my birthday) and the "A" and "E"
pendants are from my parents for the girls births).
My "A" and "E" picture frames (from my parents for my birthday)!