Saturday, July 17, 2010

It's A Roller Coaster Kind of Life

I don't like roller coasters but that is what my life has become.  I wake up every morning asking Why Lord?  Why Us? Why did you think we could handle a trial THIS BIG?  My emotions change every minute from sad to happy to angry.  Yesterday is a perfect example.  I woke up feeling very sad.  I woke up wishing it was early June, back to when I had the "perfect life."  Back to when my baby girls were snuggled together safely in my womb.  But I can't go back...I can NEVER go back.  I can only move forward.  A close friend gave me a bracelet in remembrance of my girls with their names imprinted on it.  I put that bracelet on and instantly felt better.  It was like my girls were telling me, "we are right here with you mommy."  And they will always be with me...because they will live in my heart forever.   

Trusting even when it appears you have been forsaken; praying when it seems your words are simply entering a vast expanse where no one hears and no voice answers; believing that God's love is complete and that he is aware of your circumstances, even when your world seems to grind on as if setting its own direction and not caring for life or moving one inch in response to your petitions; desiring only what God's hands have planned for you; waiting patiently while seemingly starving to death, with your only fear being that your faith might fail-"this is the victory that has overcome the world"; this is genuine faith indeed (George MacDonald).

The rest of my day did get better because I spent time with tweedle dee and tweedle dum (as my hubby likes to call them).  First stop tweedle dee...that would be my mom.  I went to my mom's house and we had a long talk.  She gives me so much hope for the future.  That someday I will be a mommy again and that Brian will be a daddy.  And that we will be able to tell other children about their big sisters!  Next stop....tweedle dumb...that would be my sister. She too (just like my mom) keeps my spirits high and my hopes alive.  I am so thankful for my sister, thankful that she is a teacher, and thankful that she lets me hang out at her house every day.  I have a hard time being alone these days so when Brian is at work or playing softball, my mom and my sister "baby-sit" me.  Anyways I headed to my sisters to sit by her pool in the 90 some degree heat.  But before we could just sit by the pool and talk...we had to entertain my sisters little ones.  Her oldest, my niece Cambrey loves her Aunt Linny so much.  She is always asking me to go swimming (she pry remembers how much we went swimming together last year) and I keep telling her that Aunt Linny can't go swimming just yet and she says, "because you have babies in your belly?"  I smile at her innocence and tell her that I can't go swimming because I had babies in my belly but that they went to heaven to be with Jesus.  She then says to me Layna and Ella in heaven.  And I smile and say yes Layna and Ella in heaven!  Later as I am putting Cambrey down for her nap, out of the blue she asks me if I am sad.  So I am honest and say that yes Aunt Linny is sad but that that is okay.  Love her...she keeps me smiling!  Then the rest of the day/night is spent with my rock (my amazing hubby).  We had a low key night (we seem to have a lot of these lately).  We ate some home cooked chicken lasagna (not my doing), played a little boche ball, did our devotions, and watched a movie.  So even though the day started out ended okay.  Every day has its good and bad moments...this is a part of my new life.

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