Monday, July 19, 2010


"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid." (Psalm 56:3-4)

Another book that I just finished reading called, A Symphony in the Dark...Hearing God's Voice in Seasons of Grief gave me more perspective on the loss of my girls.  "Only we who have been washed in the blood of the Lamb can both weep and laugh at the same time, and with hearts that are breaking in pieces scattered all over the floor say with sincerity and honesty that it is well with my soul." (Gary J. Oliver).  The author (Rebecca Rainey Mutz) lost her firstborn too. Her story is different than mine (and Angie Smiths) but many of the feelings are the same. Just like me (and Angie), Rebecca said over and over again, "I just can't believe this is happening." She would wake up in the morning and realize she wasn't dreaming. She felt like the journey was too hard and that she wouldn't survive.  Both Angie and Rebecca leaned on God and believed with their whole hearts that God was still good even when bad things happened.  And though the hurt is still there, time does and will heal to a certain degree.  My hope is that I too will come away from this experience a better person.  That my girls short lives will be a testimony to others and bring me (and Brian) into a closer relationship with God.

"Grief is hard work and exhausting. Only with the prayers of others and the minute by minute comfort of the Holy Spirit--even when not felt--can a parent endure the loss of a child." (Lynn Stroud).  If you've never experienced the loss of a child and I pray you never do, you may not understand why I act the way I do.  So I want to share a little more so you will be patient with me.  First the smallest things can bring me to tears.  I never know when the tears/feelings will hit but out of the blue they do.  Seeing a pregnant belly, hearing a baby cry, remembering when my girls were in my womb (kicking me), dreaming about who they would become...thoughts of them come at any place and at any time.  Then come the feelings of frustration and anger.  I am angry that others lives move on, while mine is empty and void.  Sadness hangs above me like a cloud.  No one else has the daily reminder that they lost two beautiful children.  Two children who were so wanted.  As Rebecca writes, "For us, the loss was continual, throughout each and every day.  I missed our old life, our old normal.  We didn't get to go back to the old normal anymore.  Jacob (her husband) told me that we now had to learn to adjust together to our new normal.  I found this hard and did not want to deal with it.  Life was forever changed--different, scary."  For Brian and I, it's one day at a time, one foot forward, as we continue to grieve and mourn our sweet baby girls. "To believe in Christ, in this moment, in this perplexity, in this frustration, in these setbacks, in this present agony, is the victory of the highest order." (Andree Seu)

Thank You for your continual support and prayers as I (we) walk this long road,

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