Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Moody Days

So yesterday was my last 4 hour shift and instead of slowly decreasing my hours...I get to slowly increase them.  It sucks.  No way around it.  Back on May 18 when I went down to 8 hour shifts, I was not suppose to work full time again for a very long time.  But here I go again and none to happy about it (just ask my hubby).  I love my job but I want to be a mommy more.  I've always wanted to be a mommy (just ask my hubby about that too).  When we found out we were having twins I was SO excited.  What a privilege to carry two precious lives at the same time into this world.  My hope was for one boy and one girl.  At our 16 week ultrasound the tech told us Baby B was definitely a girl and that if she had to guess Baby A was most likely a boy.  Again I was SO excited!  But we had to wait 4 more weeks to find out for sure.  My mom was still quite certain it was 2 girls.  When I was little I always dreamed about having twin daughters so at no point during my pregnancy did I think I would have two little girls.  On Tuesday June 15, I waited anxiously for Brian to get home from work so we could drive to our 3:30pm appointment together.  I was at my mom's house most of the afternoon and all we talked about was whether Baby A would be a girl or a boy.  We had plans to go shopping the following Tuesday to some outlets to get stocked up on baby clothes...would it be all pink clothes or some blue and some pink.  Little did I know my world was about to be shaken.  We got to the doctors and almost as soon as the tech had the monitor on me she said you want to know the sex of Baby A right?  YES.  And she said it's a girl!!!  My dream was really coming true!!!  The tech continued with the rest of the ultrasound but ended with...have you been having any pain or pressure?  And that was the beginning of the end.  The first person I called was my mom.  I didn't say mom were having 2 girls...that no longer mattered.  I said I am dilated to a 4 and we're headed to Spectrum Health to be admitted to Labor and Delivery.  My happy and carefree life was over...and 15 days later I was forced to start what would be the hardest chapter of my life.   

Borrowed Angels
by Kristin Chenoweth

They shine a little brighter, they feel a little more
They touch your life in ways no one has ever done before
They love a little stronger, they live to give their best
They make our lives so blest, so why do they go so soon?
The ones with souls so beautiful
I heard someone say--

There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever
Cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again

They reach a little deeper, they see what's in your soul
And even when they leave you know, you'll never let them go 
The world's a little richer, just cause they came along
Their love goes on and on, so why do they go so soon?
The ones with souls so beautiful. I heard someone say--

There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
They can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again

How else can you explain why they're here and not here to stay?
I believe there must be, must be

Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever, cause there heaven sent
And sometimes heaven needs them back again.
And sometimes heaven needs them back again

This afternoon I have been really moody.  My hubby would say that I am now always moody.  I would have to agree with him.  He is a real sport though.  Always trying to cheer me up or teasing me so I will laugh.  Sometimes it works but my smile never lasts for long.  I often wonder if I will ever have a true smile again.  The thought scares me.  Brian tells me every day that we WILL be happy again and that I WILL smile again.  During our devotions tonight God (once again) spoke RIGHT to my heart.  We are reading the book FEARLESS by Max Lucado (thanks Kami!) and trying to understand how to live a life dictated by faith NOT fear.  As I was reading Brian asked me to repeat a couple of sentences:

See what happened?  Legitimate concern morphed into toxic panic.  I crossed a boundary line into the state of fret.  No longer anticipating or preparing, I took up membership in the fraternity of Woe-Be-Me.  Christ cautions us against this.  Look at how one translation renders his words:  "Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life" (Matt. 6:25 AMP).

I said to Brian is this me?  He said what do you think?  I answered with, "maybe"...

Now for the rest of my lesson from Max.  He said to focus on eight things: 
1. Pray, first.  Ask God for help.  "Casting the whole of your care (all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all) on Him..." (1 Peter 5:7 AMP).
2. Easy, now.  Slow down.  "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." (Ps. 37:7).
3. Act on it.  Become a worry slapper.  Treat frets like mosquitoes.  Do you procrastinate when a bloodsucking bug lights on your leg?  "I'll take care of it in a moment."  Of course you don't!  You give the critter the slap he deserves.  Be equally decisive with anxiety.  The moment a concern surfaces, deal with it.  Don't dwell on it.  Head off worries before they get the best of you.
4. Compile a worry list.  Record your anxious thoughts.  Then review them.  How many of them turned into a reality?
5. Evaluate your worry categories.  Your list will highlight themes of worry.
6. Focus on today.  God meets daily needs daily.  Not weekly or annually.  He will give you what you need when it is needed.  "Let us therefore boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy and in his grace find timely help" (Heb 4:16 NEB).
7. Unleash a worry army.  Share your feelings with a few loved ones.  Ask them to pray with and for you.
8. Let God be enough. Jesus concludes his call to calmness with this challenge: "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" (Matt 6:32-33 NLT).

And the eight steps spell...P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L! 
(by Max Lucado) 

My prayer tonight (and every night) is that I can let go of all my worries and let God be enough.  For every good and perfect thing comes from God in His time.  My prayers (have not) and do not go unanswered and He does have the most perfect plan in store for Brian and I's lives.  Now I just need to wait patiently and let it happen... 

1 comment:

  1. Hi! I can't even begin to imagine the shock and pain of your experience - to go from such excitement and anticipation one minute, to unbearable fear and grief the next. I will continue to pray for you. As bad as it is for you, at least you know God. I must also pray for the mothers around the world who lose children and don't know Him.