Wednesday, September 22, 2010

As I Sit and Ponder

Last night I was just sitting on the couch listening to the rain pour down.  No television on.  No hubby around to make noise.  Just me and the rain.  And I started thinking.  Thinking about life.  So many thoughts about life run through my mind.  Thoughts like...how thankful I am to have my faith.  To have a Heavenly Father who has sustained me with his righteous hand.  A Heavenly Father who has NEVER left my side. 

How thankful I am for all my friendships.  The new friendships and the old friendships.  I am thankful for my "new" angel mommy friends.  Friends who know and I mean REALLY KNOW my pain.  They know where I'm coming from.  Why I feel the way I do.  Why I'm different.  Why I'm not the same Lindsey and why I will never be that girl again.  I am thankful for an old friend from high school (that I have not talked to since high school).  Our struggles are different but at the same time oh so very similar.  I am thankful for my friends who have stood by me.  Who have tried to understand my pain.  Friends who have given me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. 

And I am thankful for my family.  Oh am I thankful for them!  Parents who have supported us.  Helped us.  Loved us.  My sis-in-law's encouraging notes in the mail.  My sister who still calls to see how my day was.  I always felt bad for girls who didn't have a sister.  Someone who walks the walk with you.  Wants to take the pain from you.  Who is there for you every day you're in the hospital.  I was hoping my girls would have that same bond.  I always told my mom that I if I had one daughter then I would want another because a sister always needs a sister.  I don't know where I would be without mine.  And maybe my story will have two (more) sisters in it.  But if it doesn't that's okay because I have my precious little girls in heaven...just waiting for their momma!
I am thankful for my nieces who have not forgotten Alayna and Ella.  Or as they're known...Aunt Linny's girls.  Which reminds me of a story my mom just told me last night.  Last week when my mom was watching my niece Cambrey they were talking about her birthday party (that's happening this week Friday).  They were talking about who was all coming to her party.  And my mom said something about my girls not being there to celebrate with us.  And Cambrey says, "Yea!  They are in heaven!"  What simple but sweet words that warm this momma's heart.  Because my girls are living the never-ending-kinda-party! 

I am thankful for our church family and the support they have given us.  The friendships we have made through our loss.  The strength a special few have given me to push forward. 

I am thankful for my coworkers and the love they have given me.  For always willing to listen to me.  For being so very supportive of me. 

God has changed me.  Oh has He changed me.  He has made me more thankful for everything in my life.  Because it's so easy for us to ask God for this and ask God for that.  But how often do we thank Him for this and thank Him for that.

And one last thing that I am thankful for...healing.  As I was walking through Hallmark yesterday looking for a birthday card for my niece I came across a birthday card for twins.  No tears.  And as I was walking through Target looking for a birthday present for my niece I came across twin baby dolls.  No tears.  Just a lil ache in my heart.  But I am okay living with that ache cause its always gonna be a part of me.

Our faith is the center of the target God aims at when He tests us, and if any gift escapes untested, it certainly will not be our faith...And only genunine faith will escape unharmed from the midst of the battle after having been stripped of its armor of earthly enjoyment and after having endured the circumstances coming against it that the powerful hand of God has allowed (Streams in the Desert). 

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" (Job 1:21) 

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