Monday, September 13, 2010

I Have A LOT To Say

Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover?
Song of Songs 8:5

When I first read this verse I didn't get it.  So I read it a second time.  And then I got it.  Those who are too weary to stand on their own need only to lean on Jesus.  He will be their strength.  I am so thankful for my faith.  Where would I be without it?  Certainly not sitting in my living room typing this post.  He has promised to carry me through this terrible storm and He will not set me down until I am ready to have Him walk beside me.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along
the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

And from my Desert in the Streams Devotional...

Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child.  I shaped it;
Balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to your unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden will be Mine, not hers.

So I am leaning.  Oh am I ever leaning.

My Random Thoughts...

Sometimes I feel like Brian and I are like Abraham and Sarah.  And my constant prayer is that the end of our story is just as happy as the end of their story.  For just like they were tested so have we been tested.  Brian was tested through cancer and we have both been tested through fertility and through the death of our precious little girls.  And just like Sarah worried...so do I.  I use to be more optimistic but at times I now drift to the pessimistic side.  And I don't like that one teeny tiny bit.  But they stayed faithful and God made good on His promise.  "After waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrew 6:15  So we too will wait (maybe not patiently all the time) but we will try our very best...or should I say...I will try my best.  Brian is already a pretty patient guy!

Beloved, God's promises can never fail to be accomplished, and those who patiently wait can never be disappointed, for believing faith leads to realization. Abraham's life condemns a spirit of hastiness, admonishes those who complain, commends those who are patient, and encourages quiet submission to God's will and way.  Remember, Abraham was tested but he patiently waited, ultimately received what was promised, and was satisfied.  If you will imitate his example, you will share the same blessing (Streams in the Desert).

So this past Friday I made another big step.  I went to a high school football game.  Not just any game but the Unity Christian vs Holland Christian game.  Lots of people come out for this game.  I graduated from Unity as did my hubby so we know lots of people from the community.  And we come from a community that really supports high school sports.  I saw a lot of familiar faces at the game and even some acquaintances who had just had babies and I am proud to say I made it...no tears in sight (not that I actually talked to any of the acquaintances but thats beside the point)!

And then I had to work the weekend.  And as much as work has been a great distraction it still troubles me at times.  Especially this particular weekend.  Because I was suppose to be done.  Done working until mid January.  So I was a little cranky on Sunday.  Not that anyone could tell but I knew I was cranky the moment someone said to me..."how is your baby?"  It was towards the end of my shift and I had run up to the 9th floor for something.  I stopped and said well I was pregnant with twins.  (And just so you know this is one of the sweetest people I know and she meant NO harm.  But the comment still stung).  I continued by saying neither of my daughters survived.  She was soooo sorry and said that she thought one of them had.  I almost started crying.  What if Ella had survived?  But that was not the way my story was to go.

Then today it got even better.  How you ask.  Well this afternoon I was picking up my T.R.I.P order and as I was leaving I saw her.  Her is the girl that was due for twins just 12 days before me.  We emailed a lot those first 20 weeks and we were so excited about our double blessings.  But the emails ended when I lost the girls.  I walked out (politely ignoring her) and made it to my car just as the tears fell.  My next stop was to Meijer to get some groceries (with my T.R.I.P giftcards).  And as anyone from this area knows...there is one best way to get from A to B.  And without thinking that is the way I took.  And I don't always think everything through these days.  And A to B led me right past the cemetery where my girls are buried.  So as you can all imagine...out came the tears again.  Why does she get to have her babies safe in her belly and my girls are buried beneath the ground.  I know my girls have it better and that they are safe with Jesus but saying it doesn't always make me feel better.  And then my mom called.  THANK GOODNESS for my mom.  I told her what had just happened through my tears and she said that maybe for the next few months that she should do my T.R.I.P runs...I agreed.  And she said to me, "Linny just remember God has the most perfect plan and we just need to hold tight to that."  Amen 

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10

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