Friday, October 1, 2010

Rough Week...New Month

It's been a rough week.  (And I know I've mentioned that in the last few blog entries).  But it has.  When I was a little girl I dreamed about my future children.  I figured it would be easy.  Meet Prince Charming at college, get married after graduation and have kids about 2 years later.  Well I met Prince Charming but not at college.  I got married but 2.5 years after graduation.  And even though nothing (so far) had gone according to my plan I knew that God's plan (in the end) had been way better.  I love my husband to death and I enjoyed those years after college but before marriage. 

But the kid thing is something I really struggle with.  And I mean REALLY struggle with.  Infertility is hard.  Something I wish didn't exist.  And Invitro Fertilization was an extremely emotional experience.  Because IVF was our last hope to bear children of our own.  Still IVF was something that took time for me accept.  I eventually had to separate myself from others in order to protect myself.  People say stupid things (without meaning to) and I realized that it was just easier to take myself out of the equation.  Make myself disappear for awhile and when I was ready (and pregnant) I would come back.  And I was SO SO SO happy for 4.5 months.  

But now here I am again.  I have once again separated myself from others in order to protect myself.  I miss the happy carefree Lindsey of my dream days.  When I thought I would just get pregnant, have children, and raise them up.  And I did have two beautiful children.  But in my dreams my children were to stay here on earth with me.  Not to be "Visitors from Heaven."  I want my girls back so badly that the pain is indescribable.  And this week I have felt satan tugging at my heart.  Inviting me into the pit of despair.  And I share this only so I can remember 10 or 20 years from now how faithful my Savior has been.  God's plan is still better than mine.  I really believe it is but I still wish that life hadn't turned out this way.  I am after all human. 

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righeousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.  Psalm 23.

In the midst of my rough week there were two things that really affected me.  One of which I want to share with you all now and the other I will hopefully share some other day.  I was reading a blog (that I follow) and came across a prayer request.  The prayer request came with a link that led me to another blog.  A young woman (named Leslie) at 19 weeks was admitted into a hospital for preterm labor.  She was pregnant with twins.  This was two weeks ago.  This past Sunday she delivered her daughter stillborn and her son lived for a few minutes.  After they were born the mothers lungs filled with amniotic fluid which surrounded her heart and caused her to cardiac arrest.  She is now on life support but as of the last update has shown some signs of improvement.  After reading this post I shared it with Brian.  And once again God put things into perspective for us.  We have much to be thankful for.  My health at the top of the list.  I was able to walk out of the hospital on my own two feet the day Ella was delivered.  I cannot even imagine what this husband is feeling.  He already lost one wife and Leslie and he were raising his 3 little children from his first marriage.  The story seemed so similar until I read the end.  So please be in prayer for this family.  In reading that blog entry I also came across the song below that really hit home as well and so I had to share it with you all.  

KUTLESS: "WHAT FAITH CAN DO"

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

HAPPY FRIDAY MY FRIENDS!

2 comments:

  1. Happy Friday my sweet friend xoxo
    Wish I could take you out to lunch today!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lindsey, I just found your blog. I am so very sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for you. I hope that my Cole Jayden was welcomed by your beautiful girls, Alayna Joy and Ella Adrianna, into Heaven.

    ReplyDelete