I stopped by parent's house this afternoon to chat with my mom (so thankful for her). My brother was there trying to show my mom how to get on the computer to look at his wedding pictures. He was getting ready to leave and my mom said oh never mind Linney can help me with this. And I quickly said I don't want to see the pictures. I felt bad as soon as I said the words because after all they are my brother's wedding pictures. His happy day. But it's too hard seeing me so happy in those pictures. So happy and 18 weeks pregnant with not a care in the world. And at that I started crying. I had been trying NOT to cry all day. And the dam finally broke. I struggle. I struggle every day. I really dislike the path I am walking. I dislike infertility. I dislike mourning the loss of my precious angels. I am anxious and I worry...and that is not who I use to be. My husband wants me to be happy. He does not like seeing me so sad. But how can I be happy? There doesn't seem like much to be happy about. Sorry to be such a downer but these are the feeling I fight every day.
But I had a good chat with my mom and I am once again back on track. Fighting to be happy and trusting in God's most perfect plan. And Brian and I's devotional reading from yesterday (which I reread today) sums it up perfectly...
It is very easy to fall into the habit of doubting, worrying, wondering if God has forsaken us, and thinking that after all we have been through, our hopes are going to end in failure. But let us refuse to be discouraged and unhappy! Let us "consider it pure joy" (James 1:2), even when we do not feel any happiness. Let us rejoice by faith, by firm determination, and by simply regarding it as true, and we will find that God will make it real to us. (Streams in the Desert).
And the God I serve can be described by many words. And here are just a few...Peacemaker. Fear-taker. Soul-soother. Storm-smoother. Light-shiner. Lost-finder. Cloud-lifter. Deliverer. Mind-clearer. Sigh-hearer. Hand-holder. Consolar. Wound-binder. Tear-drier. Strength-giver. Provider. Heart-healer. Kind Father and Peacemaker. (Taken from the book Just Walk Across the Room).
So here's to another new week. Trusting in Him. And believing without seeing.
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:5-6
Prayer Requests for the week:
1. My parent's neighbor Elaine who is dealing with cancer. She was hospitalized this past week because her PORT (where she gets her chemo injected) became infected. Please pray that she stays infection free so she can continue to get her chemo treatments on schedule.
2. Joe (Elaine's son-in-law) who will be getting his 3rd kidney transplant on November 9th.
3. A friend's brother (Dan) who is looking for a job. Pray for a door to open.
4. Everyone dealing with infertility.
5. Everyone dealing with the loss of a child or children.
6. The Verkaik family in the loss of a mother, sister, daughter, and friend. This lady stepped in front of a train this past Wednesday and ended her life. Her husband died of cancer a few years ago. They have 3 children in their 20's.
7. 5 year old Spencer dealing with cancer.
8. The Evans/Bond family. Especially Mark (Leslie's husband) and their 3 small children. Life moves on for most but life is at a standstill for this sweet family.