So today was one of those days. The kind of day when the tears wouldn't stop. Everywhere I went they came...all day long. So I will be very honest when I say that I am so very happy that it's almost a new day (even though I am off to work in the morn).
There are some things I don't type on here (for privacy) but let me just say that Brian and I have been back on the fertility ride for awhile now and it has been a rough ride this go around. So earlier this week I finally reached my breaking point and told Brian that I needed to talk to someone. That I couldn't do this on my own anymore. Now don't get me wrong I talk all the time to a few close people about what I am feeling but I needed something more. So today I met with my pastor for a couple of hours and came out feeling more refreshed than I have for awhile. And on Monday morning I will be calling my fertility office and making an appointment with the counselor there. She specializes in fertility (of course) but also loss...so she is right up my alley.
The one thing that I want to share from my time with my pastor is a story. It is the story of one woman's desire to be a mother. The story is told in I Samuel 1. Brian and I actually just finished reading this chapter a couple of weeks ago and although I had highlighted some verses it didn't hit me how much Hannah and I were alike until today.
Starting at verse 4...Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her til she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord...As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get ride of you wine." "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast...So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."
Hannah's one desire was to be a mother. And like Hannah, my one desire is to be a mother too (or should I say again). Hannah was bitter. I am bitter (at times). Hannah cried. I cry (all the time). Hannah was deeply troubled. At times I feel deeply troubled. Hannah poured out her heart to the Lord. I pour out my heart to the Lord every day. Hannah was grieving what she did not have. I grieve for all I have lost and for all I desire and yet do not have. But Hannah found favor in the eyes of the Lord and had a son and named him Samuel (and she went on to have many other children too). And hopefully my story ends like Hannah's but unfortunately I am not there yet.
I never really thought about infertility being an issue in the Bible (until today). Yet Hannah's story is just one of many...there is also the story of Sarah (and Abraham) to name another. It is strange to think that infertility was an issue back then just like it is now. So tonight I ask that you please say a prayer for all those who struggle with infertility because it is a struggle (obviously) very close to my heart.
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