Thursday, November 4, 2010

Their Due Date is HERE

I cannot believe that this day is here.  Back in March I was soooo looking forward to this day but since June I have soooo been dreading this very same day.  When the doctor (back in March) wrote down November 4 as my due date it seemed so far away and yet here we are...and still no baby(s) in our arms.  I hurt something incredible the day I lost Alayna but life stopped the day I lost Ella.  I thought for sure God would allow her to live.  Afterall, we went through IVF to have them.  God wouldn't make me go through all that just to lose them both.  But He took both my precious daughter's home and my why's have gone unanswered (for now).  But I have and will continue to trust in Him because He has never left my side throughout these terrible last 4 months.

"Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing." John 20:29

I just finished reading a book written by Mary Beth Chapman called Choosing to SEEMost of you know the story.  Chapman's daughter Maria died at the young age of five.  She was hit in her own driveway by a car driven by her older brother Will.  If any of you need encouragement after the loss of a child...THIS IS A BOOK TO READ.  Lots of things hit me while reading this book but one thing in particular stuck out to me.

After the graveside service Mary Beth sat with her son Will and said, "There are no words for this.  It's as hard as it gets.  But I promise you one thing right here by your sister's grave: it's going to be a long, long journey that won't end until we get to heaven, but it's going to be okay."

She said it perfectly.  She said exactly what I feel.  Brian and I are on the never-ending journey.  Never-ending that is until we reach Heaven's gates.  And what a glorious day that will be.  When I get to see and hold the daughters I wanted and fought SO HARD FOR

I think a lot about our future children.  And since I don't know what the future holds I like to dream.  And this is what I dream about (these days) thanks to what my sweet friend Andrea wrote me..."Jesus has your sweet pea resting in His arms and is telling your baby how precious the mommy and daddy are that He has picked out, how amazing the plans and future He has for this little life!!" And in addition to that I like to think that Alayna and Ella will pipe in and tell the lil gal or guy to give mommy and daddy all the kisses they never could...

I Will Trust You
by Steven Curtis Chapman

I don't even wanna breathe right now
All I wanna do is close my eyes
But I don't wanna open them again
Until I'm standing on the other side

I don't even wanna be right now
I don't wanna think another thought
And I don't wanna feel this pain I feel
And right now, pain is all I've got

It feels like it's all I've got, but I know it's not
No, I know You're all I've got
And I will trust You, I'll trust You
Trust You, God, I will
Even when I don't understand, even then I will say again
You are my God, and I will trust You

God, I'm longing for the day to come
When this cloudy glass I'm looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You

God, You know I believe it's true
I know I will see You
But until the day I do

I will trust You, trust You
Trust You, God, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again

You are my God, and I'll trust You
And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks

I will trust You
I will trust You
And when nothing is making sense
Even then I will say again

God, I trust You
I will trust You
I know Your heart is GOOD
I know Your love is STRONG
And I know Your plans for me
Are much better than my own

So I will trust You, trust You
I trust You, God, I do
Even when I can't see the end
And I will trust You
I will trust You, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again

I will trust You, I will trust You, I will
I know Your HEART is good,
Your LOVE is strong,
Your plans for me are better than my own
Yeah, Your heart is GOOD
Your love is STRONG
Your plans for me are better than my own
And I trust You
You are my God
And I will TRUST You

for your never-ending prayers.  They are the reason why we have made it to where we are today!

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 126:5


  1. My heart hurts so badly for you...
    Praying for you today

  2. Linds, you are in our prayers today! love you and praying for a happy future, sooner rather than later.

  3. I check your blog every day to see how you're doing. I know today must be an awful day for you. You are so strong to just get up every day and put one foot in front of the other just to get through. I pray for you and your husband often.

    Take care -

  4. Praying the prayer of peace and hope for you today.
    Hard to believe time goes by so fast when your whole world seems to stop.

    Hugs from here and above,

  5. Hi Lindsey,

    My name is Shelly and on October 17, 2 1/2 weeks ago, I lost my 3 month old daughter. She never left the hospital after she was born and I was never able to hold her while she was alive, but I love her enormously.

    Shortly after she passed, I was looking online for a poem and I came across your blog. I was touched by your story and I can honestly say I feel your pain, or some similar type of excruciating pain.

    When I looked at the calendar today I realized it was your due date and I wanted to say that I am very sad along with you and I really wish this type of pain didn't exist.

    I don't have much to offer in regards to comfort, but I do know that your honesty, love, and faith in God is amazing. I find that I have been struggling so much to keep my faith through these difficult and painful times, but your faith is inspirational.

    Although I know you are still finding each day a struggle to move forward, I really wanted to say "you are strong" and "thank you" for being so open with your experiences and yourself. Your experiences are sure to help others and that is a beautiful way to help others while hopefully helping yourself in the process as well.

    I am praying for your continued healing and for your faith to shine, and outshine any darkness that creeps in. I pray that your next November 4th will be blessed and that you and your family will be able to find many blessings in these difficult times.

    Much love, Shelly

  6. Lindsey,

    This morning when I woke up, I said a prayer for you. Someone asked me about Cole and I remembered your little girls and said another prayer. Last night when I was tucking my other son Connor into bed, I said a prayer with him for you. My whole family thinks of you and Brian regularly and continues to send up as many prayers as we can. All our love!