I walked into my parent's house the other day and my mom said, "Those pants look terrible on you. They're 2 sizes too big" Oh how I wish my pants were 2 sizes too small (although if they were that small I would not be wearing them) because I should still be needing to lose baby weight.
Every time I go to the mall or the grocery store or anywhere for that matter I see new mommy's pushing their precious newborns in their strollers. O how I wish I was pushing my newborn daughters too. And that I wasn't turning at the sight of all those happy mommies in order to prevent more tears from falling.
I wish I was buying my daughters an exuberant amount of Christmas presents this year. It was suppose to be the best Christmas ever. And now not so much...
I wish I could go into the girl's room (or the baby's room as it's now called) and not cry.
I picked up my journal the other day from when I was pregnant with Alayna and Ella. The last entry was from June 15th. I was prepared to write down my feelings from my 20 week ultrasound but all that was written was...June 15, 2010. The rest of the page is empty because I stopped journaling on that day. I was looking for something in particular but ended up just putting the journal down because I started crying too much.
Sometimes when I fall asleep at night I find myself hanging onto my necklace (with Alayna and Ella's initials). Because it is the only way I can "hold" my girls.
I pray for another daughter to remind me of Alayna and Ella. A daughter to wrap in their girlie blankets. Blankets that we received from the hospital in remembrance of them that have their names stitched on. To wear the one girl outfit my mom gave me when we found out that Ella was a girl (at our 16 week ultrasound). To wear the pink bows my mom also gave me after our 16 week ultrasound.
I think and wish many things. And I have accepted that this is my life but it's still a tough path to walk.
YOUR NEEDS AND MY RICHES are a perfect fit. I never meant for you to be self-sufficient. Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings. I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness, to point you to Me. Therefore, do not try to bury or deny these feelings. Beware also of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.
Come to Me in all you neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed. As you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled. Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me. (Jesus Calling)
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19