Monday, February 28, 2011

Moving Forward

And here it is (almost was) Monday already. This past weekend flew by since I had to work the whole thing. But that's all good because of my weekend coworkers. And it didn't hurt that we had an awesome Mexican Potluck on Saturday!!!

So last week Thursday was a rough day.  Actually the whole month has been kinda rough since it marked a year long journey of IVF and a year since finding out we were expecting for the first time. Not gonna lie when I say see ya later February and don't let the door slam you in the rear on your way out. But today was an awesome day because I got a pedicure (for my vacation) and I got my hair highlighted and trimmed. And then I ended the day with a real bang...working a simple 3-7 shift at work. Oh and I got to see 2 of my favorite lil people today as well. Love me some Coley boy kisses and Sissy girl hugs!!!

But back to Thursday. Basically the whole day was a cry fest...on and off that is. We stopped by the cemetery when Brian got home from work because we hadn't been there since Christmas Eve. When we got to the cemetery I was extremely upset that the girl's stone was covered with snow (not a big surprise that it was covered but still...). Anyways I started scooping off the snow (with tears in my eyes) until Brian told me to stop. He told me that snow would just keep covering their stone but that spring was right around the corner and then their stone would be viewable at all times. I listened but only because the snow was so heavy and I had already broken one of the snow marker sticks while trying to get the snow off. I was so upset because their names were covered. To me it was like to the world they had never existed. I went to see my counselor on Friday and she said maybe I was so upset because the only way I know how to care for the girls is to keep their stone clean. Made sense to me so I went with it.

I started spring cleaning a little early this year. On Thursday evening I started going through cupboards and drawers. I started cleaning them out...tossing junk and putting things back where they belonged. And then when I woke up Friday morning I had this sudden urge to pack up the girls stuff (and the few things that we had received for our baby boy too) that lay all over "their room." It just felt like the right time. I felt like in order to make room for our 4th child that I had to let go of my first 3 children because emotionally I do NOT have any more room. They can (and will) always live within me but they will never live with me. When we got pregnant with our baby boy I was NOT ready to put the girl's stuff away. I had a little shrine to them in their room. I had their full body molds, hand and footprints, the cup that they were baptized with, and picture frames with their initials (and of course a picture of them in it) on the night stand in what was suppose to be their room. I had cards, and pictures from my sweet nieces, blankets, toys, etc laying all over in their room. Everytime I received something I just "threw" it in their room. But I wanted it all put away. I needed to have it all put away because I need to start moving forward.

In a few days we will be leaving for Arizona. And it was just a little over 2 years ago when we went to Arizona together for the first time and after that trip we decided to start trying for baby number one.  Little did we know what the next 2 years would entail.  But 2 years later here we are. And as we head to Arizona once again we are closing one chapter and gearing up for the next.

And another song that I wanted to share...

Light Up the Sky by Afters

When I'm feeling all alone
With so far to go
The signs that know we're on this road
Are guiding me home
When the night is closing in
Is falling on my skin
Oh God, will you come close

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don't feel them shining
When I can't see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I've almost reached the end
Like a flood you're rushing in
Your love is rushing in (your love is rushing in)

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny

No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

So I'll run straight to your arms
You're the bright and morning sun
To show your love there's nothing you won't do (nothing you won't do)

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

(Oooh, oh , oh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh
That you are with me
Oooh, oh , oh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh
That you are with me
Oooh, oh , oh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh

5 comments:

  1. I continue to pray for you and Brian. I so wish we could take away your pain. As hard as it is, I know you are giving comfort to others going through a similar experience. I know when Cole passed away, you were the person I looked up to. Your strength at times gave me strength. Your sadness gave me permission to be sad. Your happiness at times gave me hope.

    Matthew 5:4
    Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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  2. You are moving through, each day, each moment at a time. Thank you for your friendship and the very special bond we share with our twins. :) Lil Jay has baby Hemy to play with now. Poor guy was probably getting picked on something terrible with all those little girls around!
    Have a wonderful time in Arizona. Bring back some of that warm weather would ya!

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  3. I wanted you to know I have been following your blog and your strength and love for the lord is amazing!

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey although I can not imagine the pain that you have endured I am certin that you will be rewarded!!

    ~Kristy

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  4. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers as you keep moving forward in faith. You are a brave woman and walking with such real grace on your journey.

    I can't speak from your depth of pain but if it helps to know that whether you are packing up your precious babies' things, or finding yourself bringing them all out to touch and be near them again-- you are doing just what you need to do to keep going and keep living. Someone told me once, there is no right or wrong with that.

    Enjoy your vacation, a well earned respite :)

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  5. Been thinking about you. Hoping you enjoyed your trip and are doing well. Prayers continuing for you.

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