Tuesday, May 31, 2011

To all the Infertiles

I haven't blogged much lately. I think the main reason is because I don't have much to blog about... (unfortunately that will be changing in June with the girl's one year quickly approaching). But another reason for my lack of blogging is because when I blog I also (obviously) like to read other peoples blogs. I mostly follow infertility blogs these days and lately it seems like so many people are getting BFN's, miscarrying, or losing babies at 18 weeks because of a placenta issue or because their baby doesn't have any amniotic fluid.

And you know what...it depresses me. My heart aches for those who have to go through any type of infertility but especially those who have to deal with IVF. I don't mean to be offensive to anyone but we (infertiles) go through SO MUCH to get pregnant and then when we lose a baby we have to face it (all the infertility treatments) all over again. Sure the hubby and I can try and get pregnant on our own (and I know God can perform miracles) but realistically we have to wait until our doctor gives us the green light to move ahead. And then we have to add in the meds. Add in the cost of meds, procedures, ultrasounds, blood work. Add in all the ultrasound and blood work appointments (constantly rearranging our schedules to make all the appointments). Add in the anxiety of the 2ww. Add in the waiting for the subsequent beta results. And add in waiting for the first ultrasound (is the baby alive and growing or is the pregnancy ectopic or is it a blighted ovum). So much anxiety and so much waiting. And this is why when someone from the infertile world loses a baby...why my heart breaks into a million pieces. And just so all you ladies know I pray for each of you every night...not all by name but never-the-less I pray that God gives you the peace that only He can give. Keep believing and remember that His way is perfect!!!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Birthday Celebration

Happy Birthday Jason, Cole, and Papa!!!

Last night we celebrated some of the May/June birthdays!!! Although we celebrated a few birthdays the whole celebration actually centered around Cole (hey he's the kid). He was so much fun to watch. He mostly got trucks...but boy did he ever LOVE each and every one...big or small. His face was priceless...

Everyone helping Cole...
Cake time!
Me and my niece Kylynn

Tonight we're heading over to the cemetery to drop off the girl's flower basket. It's been awhile since we've been there. We've been waiting for a non-rainy day that I did not have to work and today is finally that day. Crazy how life changes in a years time. A year ago (on May 18) we had just found out that our Ella was a girl. I was over the moon excited!!! And I was greatly anticipating our next ultrasound (on June 15). And here we are today about to visit both of our babies at the place of their burial. What a journey this has been. Oh what a journey indeed. I am tired but holding on to my Savior, my Sanctifier, my Healer, my Deliverer.

Every godly prayer is answered before the prayer itself is finished--"Before he had finished praying..." This is because Christ has pledged in His word, "My Father will give you whatever you ask in my name" (John 16:23). When you ask in faith and in Christ's name--that is, in oneness with Him and His will--"it will be given you" (John 15:7).

Since God's Word cannot fail, whenever we meet these simple conditions, the answer to our prayer has already been granted and is complete in heaven as we pray, even though it may not be revealed on earth until much later. Therefore it is wise to close every single prayer with praise to God for the answer He has already given.

"Praise be to the Lord,...who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness." (See Dan 9:20-27; 10:12).

When we believe God for a blessing, we must have an attitude of faith and begin to act and pray as if the blessing were already ours. We should respond to God as if He has granted our request. The attitude of trust means leaning upon Him for what we have claimed and simply taking it for granted that He has given us our request and will continue to give it.

When people get married, they immediately have a new perspective and begin to act accordingly. This is how it should be when we take Christ as our Savior, our Sanctifier, our Healer, or our Deliverer. He expects us to have a new perspective, in which we recognize Him in the capacity and the role we have trusted Him for, and in which we allow Him to be everything to us we have claimed by faith.

The thing I ask when God leads me to pray,
Begins in that same act to come my way.
(Streams in the Desert)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A Saturday Post

So when looking through my posts from this past month I noticed a pattern. The pattern I noticed was that I have only posted on Sundays and Tuesdays. So I am breaking that pattern today and posting something on this beautiful Saturday!

So here's my Saturday posting...
Brian and I started the day by joining my parents and grandpa for a Rainbow Grill breakfast (can you say yum). After breakfast we ran some errands...the most important stop being Costco to pick up a cake for tonight's birthday celebrations. Then we did some yard work...well Brian did most everything...I just picked the weeds. But I liked my job because I actually LOVE picking weeds (I know I'm a bit strange). And then there was some housework to be done...ugh is what I think about that. So after my busy morning I took me a little nap and did it ever refresh me! And now in a few minutes we'll be heading over to my parents to celebrate my dads, my bro-in-laws, and my nephew Cole's birthdays...oh and Mother's Day too.

But the one thing I HAD to share with you all today was that Brian and I have officially completed our goal of reading the Bible in its entirety in under a year...we actually did it in just under 10 months!!! We started reading on August 1, 2010 and today we completed our goal by reading the last 4 chapters in Revelations!!!

And I read the following poem in my Streams the other day and wanted to share. And although at times I will admit that I have not and am not so patiently waiting...I am still waiting as patiently as I can.

Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till next steps made plain will be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that needs not grow dim;
The Master is pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!
Perhaps it may be today
The Master will quickly open
The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late:
Since He knows that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate. 
(Streams in the Desert)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Little Streams for the Soul...

This is what I read yesterday during devotion time... 

Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. (Daniel 10:12-13)

This passage is a wonderful teaching on prayer and shows us the direct hindrance Satan can be in our lives. Daniel had fasted and prayed for twenty-one difficult days. As far as we can tell from the biblical account, the difficulty came not because Daniel was not a good person nor because his prayer was not right but because of a special attack from Satan.

The Lord had sent His angelic messenger to tell Daniel that his prayer was answered the moment he began to pray, but the good angel was hindered by an evil angel who met him along the way and wrestled with him. This conflict occurred in the heavens, yet Daniel experienced the same kind of conflict here on earth as he agonized in prayer.

"Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities...and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph 6:12). Satan's attack and the ensuing struggle delayed the answer three full weeks. Daniel was nearly defeated, and Satan would have been glad to kill him, but God would not allow anything to come upon Daniel beyond what he could bear. (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)

Many prayers of believers are hindered by Satan. Yet you do not need to fear when your unanswered prayers are piling up, for soon they will break through like a flood. When that happens, not only will your answers flow through but they will also be accompanied by new blessings.

Hell works the hardest on God's saints. The most worthy souls will be tested with the most pressure and the highest heat, but heaven will not desert them. (Streams in the Desert)
But to make it apply more to me I changed the wording around a little bit so it now reads like this...

Satan's attack and the ensuing struggle has delayed my answer (so far) over two plus years. I am feeling oh so defeated, and I know that Satan would be glad to just knock me down so I can never again get up, but I also know that God will not allow anything to come upon me beyond what I can bear. (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)

Many prayers of believers are hindered by Satan. Yet I along with the other believers do not need to fear when our unanswered prayers are piling up because soon our unanswered prayers will break through like a flood. When that happens, not only will our answers flow through but they will also be accompanied by new blessings. 

So where does this all leave me. It leaves me knowing that hell is definitely working like mad against me. All I can say is Satan must seriously consider me a most worthy soul to test. Because he has definitely tested me over and over and over again (with infertility, with losing the girls, and with losing Luke). 

There are so many days that I wish I could go back to the Lindsey I was on June 14, 2010 (the day before my world was rocked)...to the carefree and happy person that I was and the oh so so so happy mama-to-be. Because the pain I live with now is excruciating. The fact that I live with 3 children in my heart and not in my arms makes my heart hurt a whole lot on whole lotta days. And to be honest there have been many a days where I have laid in bed wondering why God chose me for this path. But I know He has a reason so I will continue to praise His name. So instead I take heart in the fact that I KNOW my Heavenly Father WILL CONTINUE TO CARRY ME AND THAT HE WILL NEVER desert me. He will endure every step of this journey with me.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A Wonderful Day

Aye aye aye...between computer problems, blogger problems, and just general busyness I am finally getting around to blogging again...yea!!!

On Friday I had the pleasure of spending the morning/afternoon with my mom, my niece Cambrey, and my nephew Cole. They picked me up and our first stop was Mama's House for pancakes. And then next on the agenda was Holland to have us some Tulip Time fun!!!
Dutch little girl and Dutch little boy
Am I big enough for the rides?
What is this?
I guess my sis did it so I will too!

Yea!!! We're big enough for rides...

And a couple shots by the famous tulips!!!
One pretty girl
Two darling children

And Cambrey's line of the day was "this is SO much fun!!!"

Then later in the day Brian and I headed out to Countryside Greenhouse and Lowe's to get some plantings for around our house and some flowers for the girl's headstone AND for the girl's turned kiddo's garden box. Before heading home to plant we made a quick stop at Famous Dave's for some dinner. Once home we started planting and thankfully finished planting the garden box just in the nick of time because it started raining and has barely stopped since.
the kiddo's box

Oh I cannot wait to watch it grow this summer!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Hope in the Midst of Infertility

Earlier today a friend sent me an email letting me know that the daily radio program on Focus on the Family was dedicating both yesterday and today to infertility. There are two segments each 30 minutes long. If you have time listen to it. It really explains and puts into words the pain of infertility. Go to focusonthefamily.com. Then in the search box type in...Hope in the Midst of Infertility. And then to view the articles just click on Hope in the Midst of Infertility (Part 1 of 2) followed by Hope in the Midst of Infertility (Part 2 of 2).

I love that more emphasis is being placed on infertility. Because it is a very painful disease. And (in my opinion) not recognized nearly enough. In fact different studies have shown that dealing with infertility is the same as being told you have cancer. But every time I start feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that this is God's chosen path for me. Infertility is a part of my path for a reason. And it MUST be a good reason since God chose it specifically for me.

Ten on Tuesday

I found Ten on Tuesday on someone else's blog while blog hopping and decided to join in the fun (even though the fun was suppose to have happened last week Tuesday). So here you go ten random questions answered by me...

1. What is the weather like in your city today?
It's still morning (only 9am) but looks like it might be a nice day...72 and sunny but with a chance of rain tonight.

2. Do you like the zoo?
I like zoos but the hubby LOVES zoos which means we get to our fair share of them. In just the last year we've been to the Milwaukee Zoo, Lansing Zoo, Grand Rapids Zoo, and Phoenix Zoo...wahoo for zoos!!!

3. Do you eat coconut?
YUCK. I will NOT eat anything knowingly with coconut in it.

4. Have you ever hammered a nail? Are you good at it?
Yes...not frequently nor recently though. I've got coordination so I'm not too bad.

5. Does your family have a vacation destination that you visit often?
Yes. Every Fourth of July we go camping to Holland State Park. And every Labor Day we go to our cabin in the UP.

6. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I sleep with 3. I hug one and sleep on the other two.

7. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Go to the bathroom!!!

8. Will you send your kids to summer camp?
It would be up to them. But pry not. I never did as a kid and I had awesome summers.

9. What do you put in your baked potatoes?
Butter, sour cream, and bacon bits.

10. Did you take swimming lessons as a kid?
Nope. I grew up on a lake and learned to swim on my own. And in my opinion I swim just fine!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

So I did it. I made it through the WHOLE day and did not shed a tear. I think I was so distracted (we were busy all day...literally ALL day) that I didn't have any time to really "think" about anything. We decided to forgo church this morning. I just didn't want to hear all the Happy Mother's Day wishes to all the happy mothers. Instead we just did our own devotions together this morning. And then Brian gave me a very nice Mother's Day card. The wording couldn't have been more perfect. It was completely different from the card that Brian gave me last year. My "card" from last year was Brian's chicken scratch on a piece of paper that said...Happy (Expecting) Mother's Day!!! Of course I saved that perfect card and put it with all of the girl's stuff.

Oh I miss my babies. Wishing that they were here with me. Crazy to think that last year at this time I was 14 weeks pregnant with the girls. Who knew how drastically life would change. Praying next year I will be a HAPPY mama to an earthly babe!!!

Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mommies of this world!!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Odds and Ends

Yesterday I hung out at my mom's for a bit. She was baby-sitting the Tibbe kids and even though it was windy and a bit chilly outside (at least in my opinion) the kiddos still wanted to play outside. So we did. They absolutely LOVE being outside! I snapped a couple of pictures. And every time I took one of Cambrey she had to get off her bike so she could see herself...too cute!
Cambrey and her bike
Cole and his "bike"
Bruder and Sisterly love!!!

The funny thing is everytime I see Cambrey she constantly reminds me that she wants a baby sister NOT another baby brother. I guess we'll find out next month whether she gets her wish or not. But brother or not...she will always be The Queen Bee!!!

On to my next odds and ends thing to share. For dinner last night I had decided to make tacos...mmmm yummy. But of course when I went to the pantry I had no taco seasoning. Which meant I had to make a quick run to the grocery store. So since Brian's truck was blocking my car I took his truck to the store. As I was leaving the store I looked down at Brian's keychain (that I gave him for Christmas before my miscarriage) and noticed something very special. It actually brought sweet tears to my eyes.
Do you see it too...

The keychain has all 3 of our angels names are on it!!! If you remember back to February (when we first found out that the baby we had lost was a boy) we named him Luke because of Luke 12:34 (one of my fave verses which is why I added it to Brian's keychain). All I can say is I love that all 3 of their names (even though unintentionally) are on the keychain. A constant reminder that we have 3 little angels (3 little treasures) just waiting for us in Heaven.

And just when I feel weak God reminds me that He is strong enough for the both of us. So today I am very thankful that when I am weak He is strong!!!

"Not by might nor by my power, but by my Spirit," says the Lord Almighty. Zech 4:6

Once as I walked along the road on a steep hill, I caught sight of a boy on a bicycle near the bottom. He was pedaling uphill against the wind and was obviously working tremendously hard. Just as he was exerting the greatest effort and painfully doing the best he could do, a streetcar, also going up the hill, approached him. It was not traveling too fast for the boy to grab hold of a rail at the rear, and I am sure you can guess the result. He went up the hill as effortlessly as a bird gliding through the sky.

This thought then flashed through my mind: "I am like that boy on the bicycle in my weariness and weakness. I am pedaling uphill against all kinds of opposition and am almost worn out with the task. But nearby there is great power available--the strength of the Lord Jesus. All I must do is get in touch with Him and maintain communication with Him. And even if I grab hold with only one little finger of faith, it will be enough to make His power mine to accomplish the act of service that now overwhelms me." (Streams in the Desert)
Walk By Faith
by Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

Sunday, May 1, 2011

International Babylost Mother's Day

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day. It is a day to recognize mommies (like myself) whose only children are those that live in heaven. The IBMD website tells us a little more about this day...

United in grief, we find love and strength.

IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life.

On the first Sunday in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

I remember back to last year at this time. I was so very excited to celebrate my first (expectant) Mother's Day. The hubby even surprised me with a new laptop!!! However, this year my heart is very heavy as I do not get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mommy to my beautiful twin daughters but instead as a Babylost Mommy to Alayna, Ella, and Luke. Both today (IBMD) and next week Sunday (Mother's Day) will be hard for me, as I'm sure it will be for many other women. My heart and thoughts go out to all the women who have unfortunately found themselves Babylost Mothers. Praying that we all find moments of peace and comfort during these two difficult days.