Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Journey: Weeks 4 and 5

April 24
How Far Along: 4 weeks.

Size of Baby: Average length is .5mm to 1mm. No bigger than a poppy seed!

Picture of Baby:
Photo courtesy of Google Images.

4 weeks: Baby(ies) Helmholdt is now just a ball of cells.This week the blastocyst (the ball of cells) will split to form the placenta and the embryo, and the specialized parts of my baby's body will begin to develop. (Information taken from babycenter.com)

Maternity Clothes: Not necessary at this point.

Weight Gain: 0 pounds.

Belly:
 

Stretch Marks: Zilch...and the girl's pregnancy didn't give me a single one either.

Sleep: Yes, please! But I tend to wake up every 3 hours to pee (thanks in a large part I believe to my PIO shots).

Best Moment of the Week: My positive beta on Good Friday!!! And telling our families and a few friends the exciting news!!!

Movement: None yet but I can't wait to feel the lil bugger(s) move.

Symptoms: Tiredness and a bloated belly after eating and at night.

Food Cravings: Nothing yet. Just thirsty so drinking lots of water.

Gender: No clue. And at this point we don't plan on finding out.

What I Miss: Nothing!!! I wouldn't trade being pregnant for anything.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Our first sonogram on May 11...the first glimpse of our baby(ies) and our first opportunity to hear his/her/their heart beats.

Milestones: Just found out that we're expecting so I guess I would say...that my first milestone is that I am PREGNANT (again)!!!

Emotions: Waiting for my second beta (I'll be getting it drawn on Tuesday) and praying for good results (quadruple baby). *Since my RE's office doesn't do blood draws on the weekends (and since Saturday is day 12...the normal day to get my blood drawn) I had to get it drawn a day early.  So my first beta was 75. Normally beta #2 is drawn 2 days after beta #1 but since 2 days after Friday is Sunday...they bumped beta #2 back to Tuesday which means it should be quadruple what it was on Friday.* Also trying not to worry. Instead, trying to simple trust that He WILL carry me through this pregnancy and that in December (or January) I will be holding the most perfect little miracle(s) imaginable!!!

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April 26
So I POAS this morning and was happy to see 2 BRIGHT pink lines!!! I wanted a little reassurance as I went into my second beta draw today...and I got it or so I thought...

So last week when I first found out that I was pregnant I asked my nurse to put a note in my chart saying that it was okay to leave my 2nd beta result on my voicemail because I'd be working (and obviously I would be unable to answer my phone). And my nurse said that she would make a note. ***On a side note my office will not leave results on voicemails without a note saying that its okay.***

I got my labs drawn and around 9:30am I checked my voicemail to see if I had a message from Dodd's office. I had two. The first was from my mom and the second was from Dodd's office. T (the same person from last week) said...Hi Lindsey this is T from Dodd's office. We have your results back so just give us a call when you get a chance. That was it. No results. No beta results. Obviously I started freaking and I mean FREAKING OUT because my thought was I told her to just leave the level on my voicemail so it must be bad news since she wouldn't leave it.

Good thing I was in the bathroom because I was sick to my stomach. I was shaking and I was soooo nervous. I immediately called the office and pushed the button to talk to the secretary...since the nurses never answer their phones when I call. I always have to leave a message and wait for a call back. Now I don't want to throw my nurses under the bus...they are wonderful and they always call back as soon as they can but I was in no mood to wait. I figured if I called the secretary she could get up and look for a nurse.

But the phone just rang and rang and then it said that everyone was currently on other lines but I could leave a message or stay waiting. I stayed waiting. Well when it gets to a certain point they just put you right to voicemail. So instead of leaving a message (remember I am at work) I hung up and left a message on my nurses voicemail instead. I then called the secretary back and was waiting again when someone finally picked up. I said why I was calling and that I really wanted to talk to a nurse NOW. She said she would look for a nurse so once again I was put on hold.

Finally she found T (who had left the message earlier). T said Lindsey hold on a second I need to grab your chart. And then FINALLY I heard the news I so desperately wanted to hear...everything looks great...your level was 477. All I could think was praise the Lord...my prayers have been answered!!! Just so you know I was on my knees in the bathroom (remember this is a hospital bathroom) praying for everything to be okay. Lets just say those 20 minutes (from first hearing the voicemail to being read my beta level) were the longest IN MY LIFE.

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May 1
How Far Along: 5 weeks.

Size of Baby: Average length is 1.5mm to 2.5mm. About the size of an sesame seed!

Picture of Baby:
Photo courtesy of Google Images.

5 weeks: During the next few days, baby(ies) Helmholdt's heart will start early contractions, which will later become distinct beats. All of baby(ies) Helmholdt's major organs are under development this week, and facial features, such as ears and eyes, are beginning to form. The neural tube, which will later be referred to as the spinal cord, will fuse this week. And my lil bugger's arm and leg buds are starting to appear too. (Information taken from babycenter.com)

Weight Gain: Down a pound

Belly:
(taken just after waking up from a lovely nap)

Sleep: Still waking up to pee at least twice a night.

Symptoms: Tired. Bloated belly at night. Cranky (haha). And I think that I am getting that bad taste in my mouth again (I had it with the girls but not with Luke).

Food Cravings: Doritos (with the girls I loved Doritos too).

Gender: Obv still no idea. And at this point we still don't plan on finding out.

What I Miss: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would give up anything and everything just to know that this baby is healthy and whole with his/her/their heart(s) just a-beating.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Still looking forward to our first sonogram on May 11...the first glimpse of our baby(ies) and our first opportunity to hear his/her/their heart beats!!!

Milestones: I'm still pregnant and praying it stays that way until December (or January).

Emotions: Ask my poor hubby...I am a neurotic mess (and that's putting it lightly). This poor baby (or babies) has NO chance of NOT being neurotic. I am praying for my nerves to ease but the thought of my last ultrasound with Luke still haunts me. There is NO NO NO way I can see another still baby on an ultrasound machine. Please Lord Jesus protect this sweet baby(s). We so badly want to meet him/her/them in December (AND NOT BEFORE ...again please and thank-you).

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May 3
And today neurotic me gave neurotic me another scare. I like to analyze all my symptoms (or lack there of) and worry about them. Am I still pregnant? Am I miscarrying? Why am I not as bloated? Why am I not as hungry? Is it because I am so stressed that I am having trouble eating? Oye me I worry about EVERYTHING and question EVERYTHING. The joy and excitement of pregnancy is something I am not privileged to know. Instead this pregnancy is filled with worry and anxiety. So here's my latest neurotic story...

So right before dinner I decided to POAS again (just for peace of mind...haha). I know full well that peeing on a stick wouldn't mean that my pregnancy was viable. It would only show me that I was currently pregnant. It (the pregnancy) could still be a blighted ovum or an ectopic pregnancy (both non-viable). But I thought if I saw two bright line that it would at least mean that my hcg was still high. But this is what I saw...

So yes I FREAKED OUT. Last week Tuesday when I tested the line to the right was WAY (and I mean WAY) darker. I came out of the bathroom and told Brain that I was pretty sure that I was starting to miscarry. So I started googling "what does it mean when your hpt test gets lighter." My only hope was that because I tested in the evening vs early morning that my urine was more diluted. However, Dr. Google was telling me I was most likely miscarrying. I was devastated. (And this feeling lasted for over an hour).

Then I took a closer look at the hpt and I said to Brian, "Wait a minute. Babe I think the first line is the testing line and the second line is the control line." I started feeling a little hopeful again. So I started googling "why would the testing line be so much darker than the control line." And my answer was because my hcg was so high it needed to steal a little color from the control line strip. More hope returning!!! Next I went to Bobbi's Blog. I knew that a few weeks before (when she was in her 2ww) that she too used First Response HPT's. And I was so so so relieved to see that the line on the left was the line that was getting darker and darker every day Bobbi tested. (A HUGE thank you to Bobbi who made me feel better without even knowing)!!! And with that my hope was restored!!!

So what can I say besides the fact that I am a crazy emotional MESS. And to be truly honest I am not even enjoying this pregnancy. Because I am so so so nervous. I am trying my absolute best to put everything in His hands but because of my last ultrasound with Luke I am scared for my first ultrasound this go around. I question every tug and pull. I question if my belly is more or less bloated than the day before. I question if I'm feeling more or less tired than the day before. I question if I'm peeing as much as I did the day before. All I can say is (for my sake and Brians)...December (or January) cannot come soon enough.

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May 6
And then a few days later my sweet friend Amy emailed me this:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16

You and this baby are in the best possible hands you could be in. Nothing changes at 12 weeks...or 20 weeks, or 30 weeks. God is in control now, and He'll be in control then. We are praying for you and Brian!

This email made me realize (once again) that worrying was not (by ANY means helping) nor was it going to change the plans my Lord and Savior's has for my life. So today I am choosing to BELIEVE that this little baby(ies) growing inside me WILL be welcomed into this world in December. I Believe. I Believe. I Believe.

Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

6 comments:

  1. I loved reading this and catching up on the very start of your pregnancy. Congratulations again! Looking forward to how your little one continues to develop. Sending prayers!

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  2. Hey there! I'm a new follower and caught up on your last few posts!! Congratulations!!!! I am sooooo happy for u and ur husband. I wish you so many blessings throughout this pregnancy. Can't wait to see what it'll be!! Take care! =)

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  3. I already know I will be the same way when(if) we get pregnant again, and I'm sure what you're feeling is completely normal. Prayers that God will calm your fears.

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing the early weeks of your pregnancy :) and the additions to the blog look great! I know we've never met, but your pregnancy fills my heart with such joy! Have you ever heard the song "Joy is in our Hearts" by Sara Groves? It tells a great story, and reminds me of yours.

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  5. I love your honesty about feeling neurotic.

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  6. I feel like I am reading my own writing. I wish you didn't have to feel so scared, but because of you I don't feel alone!

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