Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What I'm Loving Wednesday

I'm loving that I had another perfect ultrasound yesterday!!!

I'm loving that I finally got my hair trimmed, thinned, and high-lighted after 17 weeks!!!

I'm loving my sweet baby bump!!!

And I'm loving that we're finishing our basement!!!

(hair, bump, and basement)

I'm loving my babies flower garden!!!

Early May:
And now:

I'm loving my new "31" bag!!!

I'm loving that it's my birthday on Friday!!!

And I'm also loving that the hubby and I leave for a mini vacation this weekend...Fort Atkinson (Wisconsin) here we come!!!


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Journey: Week 17 and Appointment Update

July 26
How Far Along: 17 weeks and 2 days

Size of Baby: Our little bug-a-boo is on average 5 inches long (head to rump) and weighs about 5 ounces. Or for comparisons sake...the size of a turnip.

Picture of Baby:
2 shots in 1
(the babe was moving like crazy today...hard to get a good shot)

17 weeks: Bug’s skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord--his/her lifeline to the placenta--is growing stronger and thicker.  He/She can move his/her joints, and his/her sweat glands are starting to develop. (Information taken from

Maternity Clothes: Bought some cute maternity leggings and a pair of (black) shorts this week. I've been thinking about getting out my maternity shirts that I bought when pregnant with the girls. I don't need maternity shirts yet but I could get away with it and I don't want them to go to waste. We shall see...

Weight Gain: Up another half pound for a grand total of 8lbs.

My new non-maternity dress!

Best Moment of the Week: Whenever my sweet bugger moves. Because I now know I wasn't imaging it these past few weeks. And Dr. Jelsema did say I was extra in tune with my body. I am now positive of what I feel because it has been happening more frequently and I also know its NOT gas!!!

Movement: See above!!!

Gender: I need to tell each and every US tech that we DON'T want any more leg shots :) I don't want to come to any conclusions. At my last appointment we got a straight on leg shot. I told my mom afterwards that I thought I saw a penis and my mom said she thought it was labia. But since neither of us knows exactly what to look for...your guess is still as good as ours!!!  After all (in the past) I have thought that Bug's abdomen was his/her head and that his/her stomach was an eye.  

What I Miss: Hmmm maybe a normal nights rest. But I guess I better get use to it never being the way it was pre-baby and you know what...that is A-Okay with me! I would rather be awake with a baby in the middle of the night than crying because I miss my babies oh so very much.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Not just reaching 20 weeks but 24 weeks (and beyond). I feel like if when I reach 24 weeks and if when I have had absolutely NO issues that we really WILL take this baby home. I am just really anticipating these next few weeks. Getting through these next 3 weeks (which will take me to 20 weeks) because this is the unknown stage. Getting through where we lost the girls...21 weeks and 21 weeks and 6 days. And reaching viability. Oh my September 11 CANNOT come soon enough.

Milestones: Making it to week 17. EVERY week counts!!!

Emotions: (Trying to) take it ONE day at a time and praying for it to be September 11 already.

Appointment Update
And once again we heard only good news at today's appointment!!! We had a different tech this week than the last 3 weeks and the first thing she asked was..."do you guys want to know the sex?" I immediately said "NO...we want to be surprised." So at one point in the ultrasound she had us close our eyes just in case the little one wanted to show us his or her goods.

Baby H. was moving like crazy today. I felt LOTS of movement this morning which calmed me down a bit going into the ultrasound so I wasn't surprised that he/she was moving so much. He/she would be sideways one minute and breach the next. Since the little bambino was moving so much we didn't get many good shots of him/her. But on the flip side...thankfully the tech had NO problem measuring my cervix (vaginal probe NOT needed) this week since the little bugger wasn't head down. My shortest measurement was 33mm with my highest being 35mm. I was a little concerned about this since I seem to be trending down...(from 34mm to 37mm to 35mm to 34mm) but Dr. Jelsema reassured me that he is not at all concerned with my measurements. He asked me if I would be concerned if I took a blood pressure of 80/50 and a minute later when rechecking it that it was now 79/50. I said no and he said so I am not AT ALL concerned with a 1mm difference.

I brought up the subject of progesterone shots since I know a few gals who did them during their subsequent pregnancies. But we decided that at this time it is not necessary. He said he does not feel like its necessary since I had an infection and since I had twins...two factors that cause preterm labor. He also said if I starting thinning we would do vaginal supps instead. But here's to praying that I am worrying and thinking about all this for nothing. In fact I am. I AM NOT going to have any cervix issues. Nope I am NOT!!!

As we were leaving he said...looks like you got a little bump going!!! Yes I DO :) Oh and lastly baby's heartbeat was 153 today. So thankful for another good report!

Sunday, July 24, 2011


I cannot believe that today marks 17 weeks. Maybe not the most glorious 17 weeks (since they have left me a neurotic mess) but nevertheless I AM 17 weeks closer to holding this little life growing inside of me. And so every neurotic day is worth it. Probably helps that my weeks have been fairly busy. And busy weeks make time fly by!!!

Besides my regular three 8 hour shifts, my weekly counseling session, and my weekly high risk appointment...I  (along with my mom, my niece Addi, my sis, and her 3 kiddos) spent an afternoon out in Grand Haven at a cottage that one of my aunts rents every year. Its not on Lake Michigan but the cottage has a pool and in my opinion that makes it just as good. We had a great day relaxing in the pool, eating good food, and catching up with family that we don't get to see too often. I also had a 2 hour work meeting that night that I made it to by the skin of my teeth. (I prefer relaxing by a pool over sitting through a meeting...wouldn't you agree)! On Thursday after a morning of relaxing (because of my awful work day on Wednesday) and a surprise visit from my sis and her 3 munchkins...I spent a ME day which included lunch at Panera Bread, a pedicure, and some shopping. That evening Brian and I headed to the Faster Pastor event at Berlin Raceway. And let me just note here that out of 60 some pastors...I'm pretty sure our Pastor was the slowest driver :) After the race (because my hunger is never quenched) we stopped to get some ice cream before heading home. On Friday night the hubster and I went on a date night to see the final installment of Harry Potter and get us some yummy grub at 84 East (can you say mmmm mmmmm GOOD!!!). And I spent all day yesterday hanging out at my sister's house with her and the kiddos since Brian and my bro-in-law worked on our basement. At night the men joined us for a tasty steak, potatoes, sweet corn, mushroom, and garlic bread dinner. All in all it was great but very busy week!!! And the coming week is looking to be just as busy.

The only downer of the week was my complete and total breakdown on Friday night. Sometimes the pain of missing Alayna and Ella is so great that it cannot be contained. I cried so hard that I fell asleep by 8:45pm because I was so exhausted from crying so much. Sometimes I feel that life would be so much easier if my two little girls were here with me (and their daddy). They would be 9 months going on 10 so life really wouldn't be easier but some days its all I can do to not wish that life had turned out differently. But then I of course feel so guilty because I have another little life growing inside of me that needs his/her mama fully focused on him/her. And back and forth my emotions go from wishing that Alayna and Ella were here to loving the life that is growing inside of me. Knowing all the while and knowing fully well that if they were here the little one inside of me would not be.

Brian and I came across the below devotional a week or so ago and it spoke right to me. Reminding me that God's grace is sufficient for ME. And that He WILL get me through to my happier days. I just need to keep believing and keep holding tight to Him who cares more for me that I can even imagine.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.

Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times. (Jesus Calling)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor. 12:9

Thursday, July 21, 2011

My Hubby Tells Me that I'm Anti-Social

But I tell him its ME simply protecting myself...

Here are MY stats folks...suffered through months of infertility, had to do IUI (x2),  had to do IVF (x4), lost 22 weeks twins more than likely due to a very random infection, AND miscarried more than likely due to a failed embryo split (again very random).  And through all this my family and friends keep popping up pregnant. It's hard. And it sucks. So when Brian tells me that I am anti-social I get defensive. I know he only wants me to be happy and to be more involved like I used to be but I am not at a place where I feel comfortable around some of those people anymore. Hopefully someday soon I will be but I'm just NOT THERE YET. As my counselor says I am still very new to this mourning thing.  I have been hurt enough. I have lost enough. And I know most people are well-meaning but sometimes they fail miserably and leave me hurting even more. (I have a story to share later in this post).

But another reason that I am "anti-social" is because I do NOT want to subject many people to my downer/anxious moods. Some days I don't want to pretend. I don't want to fake anything. I want to complain. I want to be sad. I want to say what I'm worried about. Because heaven knows that this pregnancy has me worrying about something new every day. And not many people can nor want to listen to someone like that. However, my hubby, my mom, and my sister do not have a choice (according to me that is). Basically every week I am at my mom's house telling her about my new worry of the week. Or I am calling my sister to see if my "weird symptom" is actually very normal. The other week I had 2 bouts of diarrhea. I started worrying that this was a bad sign. So yes I did google miscarriage and diarrhea. (And yes I know I need to break off this love affair with Dr. Google...but its hard). The second bout happened when I was at my mom's house. She calmed me down and told me that it WAS NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT. But once something "out of the ordinary" happens to me it consumes me. And then I go into this quiet anxious mode...and this is what I do NOT like to subject many people to. (On a side note I think the diarrhea was due to the fact that I had just started taking my antibiotics. I have never had an issue with diarrhea and antibiotics in the past but I have also never taken them when pregnant).

People always tells me that I look like I am coping so well. But truth be told... You DON'T see me behind closed doors. You DON'T see my many breakdowns. The many tears. You see me with my protective wall walking around this world like nothing is wrong. If you ran into me on the street you would have no idea what my life story entails. But mourning for my babies will be a life long battle. Yes I know it will get easier but it will always hurt to some degree.

I miss seeing some of my friends. My hubby tells me I don't have any or many friends anymore. But I can't help it. I am just 16 and some weeks pregnant AND NERVOUS AS ALL GET OUT. I am in the unknown stage. I have not reached viability. So yes I am very nervous. I will admit that I haven't stayed in the best of contact with many peeps but between work, weekly doctor appointments, weekly counseling appointments, work meetings, sleeping, and spending time with my family...I don't have much time to let it bother me. But I will say that the hubby was very happy last week when we went out for ice cream with our neighbor/friends Ryan and Kate and their baby girl I am trying. It's not that I don't like being with people. But sometimes it's just hard...

Brian and I read this the other week and I thought it was very fitting for this post...

 SELF-PITY IS A SLIMY, BOTTOMLESS PIT. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on you way to depression, and the darkness is profound.

Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life. (Jesus Calling)

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. Psalm 40:2-3

So here's the story that I want to share. When I was coming back from my maternity leave with the girls I asked if I could not be pulled to the Neonatal unit (until I felt ready). So since then I have not been pulled there...until yesterday that is. And let me just begin by saying that yesterday was one of the worst days I have ever had at work. I cried and to be very honest I do not know if I have ever cried at work before. 

With me coming in at 11am we were plus one. And of course Neo happened to be short. And of course it was my turn to get pulled and normally if its to Neo they just skip me. But yesterday someone asked about me and the fact that I was still not getting pulled to Neo. So someone else asked me if I would be willing to go. I told this person that I did not feel very comfortable going but then she explained a little bit more of the situation. That if I didn't go someone else would have to go for the 4 hours and then they would get pulled back to our unit again for the last 4 hours of the shift. So of course I would feel bad if I made someone have 3 different assignments in one day (when you should have the same assignment all day). And so begrudgingly I said IF it was truly only for 4 hours that I would go. I really felt like I didn't have another choice. 

But the thing that kind of upset me. And I am going to stop and say if anyone from work is reading this I know you all meant no harm but it still did hurt. But the thing that upset me was them saying that anybody who has a miscarriage doesn't want to go to Neo and that anyone who is pregnant doesn't want to go. EXCUSE me I did not miscarry my girls. I gave birth to them like any other child in this world and I saw their hearts beating and I was holding them when they went to heaven. And I have had a miscarriage and as much as I loved and wanted that baby too...what I went through with the girls and what I went  through with Luke are two totally different things. So please do NOT say that you know how I feel. Because you cannot even begin to imagine my pain. And I had NO NO NO problem going to Neo when I was pregnant with the girls. A normal person doesn't think anything bad is going to happen to them during their pregnancy. 

So needless to say I was already on the verge of tears when I headed over. And once I hit the floor...the tears slowly started to fall. I asked a Neo nurse where I could find my assignment and she asked me if I was okay. I told her the quick version of my story and she that is so mean of your floor to make you come here. And then their charge asked if I was okay and then the poor gals who I had to work with asked me the same thing. I said I was fine...took a moment...gained my composure...and made it through the 4 hours. But when I got back to my own floor the day just got worse because it was just an all-around BAD day. Thanks (if you're still reading) for listening to my venting. Again nothing against my coworkers but after all this is my blog and these are my feelings.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Journey: Week 16 and Appointment Update

On a side note I blog this whole entry, take my belly picture, and weigh myself on Sunday (the day I actually turn-over into the next week) but since my ultrasound/appointment is typically on Tuesdays and since I want to include my ultrasound picture...I just wait and post the update until Tuesday. Not that you all care but I just want to remember everything and putting in this little note will help ME with that!!!

July 19
How Far Along: 16 weeks and 2 days

Size of Baby: Our little bug-a-boo is on average 4.5 inches long (head to rump) and weighs about 3.5 ounces. Or for comparisons sake...the size of a avocado. 

Picture of Baby:

16 weeks: I've been told to get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, my baby will double his/her weight and add inches to his/her length. His/her legs are much more developed, his/her head is more erect than it has been, and his/her eyes have moved closer to the front of his/her head. His/her ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his/her scalp has begun, though his/her locks aren't recognizable yet. He/she's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, Bug’s heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as Bug continues to develop. (Information taken from

Maternity Clothes: Maternity bottoms are basically a must (although I can wear any comfy kinda bottoms). I can still wear my pre-baby shirts...the belly is not stretching them out yet.

*Bright and early on Monday morning I ran out of the house in some comfy clothes. Why you ask? Because my in-law's cleaning lady is going to be cleaning our house too until baby Hemy arrives! (This way I don't have to be concerned about all the bending and lifting that comes with cleaning a house). And since Kathy does not like me there well she's cleaning and since she likes to get started early I need to be out of the house by 7:30am. So where else would I head to hibernate for a few hours besides my mom's house. And since I had an 11am counseling session I threw a pair of my jean capris in a bag to change into before heading to that appointment. Well I slipped them on and buttoned them up and I could barely breathe. So you better believe me when I say I just left them unbuttoned, pulled my shirt down, and headed out!*

Weight Gain: I almost don't dare say...I gained 2lbs this week...YIKES. But in my defense I did eat a LOT of junk food at the game yesterday and I have not had a BM in a few days. So my grand total is thus far an 7.5lb weight gain.

Check out my 6 week belly shot...I am wearing 
the exact same thing and boy has my belly grown!!!

Wearing the fun sticker that my sis-in-law gave me. 
I forgot to use the 12 week sticker...oops. But be sure to be looking for the next one to appear in week 20!

Symptoms: Basically the same as past weeks but also the fact that I get out of breath very easily. This isn't something new but I always forget to mention it. Also (and this isn't new either) but (and this may be TMI) my shoulder/back acne is out of control and my face doesn't always fair too well either. Every since January (when I miscarried) I started noticing all the acne but pregnancy has kicked it in high gear. Even though the old wives tale says this is a sign I'm having a girl...I'm not so sure because I didn't have any out of the ordinary acne with the girls. But it might just be because my hormones are simply out of control with all the meds I have been on, the back to back pregnancies, the m/c, and all the stress I have been living under (especially the past 6 months since the miscarriage.) Who knows...

Best Moment of the Week: That my cervix is nice and thick and long. And even more important...according to my last ultrasound that I have one very healthy babe growing in my belly.

Movement: I am fairly certain that I feel him/her every now and then :)

Food Cravings: Carmel corn and I'm still having a mad love affair with McDonald's chicken nuggets.

What I'm Looking Forward to: 20 weeks baby!

Emotions: Here I am at 16 weeks and 2 days. At 15 weeks and 5 days (with the girls) I had a perfect ultrasound and we left over the moon excited that we had been given such a good report. My next ultrasound wasn't for another 4 weeks. And that was the appointment from hell. I was 19 weeks and 5 days. I will always wonder when the infection took hold. Was it from the very beginning or did it start sometime after 16 weeks. I will never know but this of course makes me a little anxious as we head into the unknown area. Please be sending up an extra little prayer or two that I make it through these next 4 weeks as stress-free as possible. That my antibiotics do their job. And that my cervix stays long and thick.

Yea for another good appointment. My cervix was again nice and thick and long...praise the Lord!!! The tech (again) took a lot of measurements and they were all around 3.5cm-3.6cm which my doctor was very pleased with. Baby's heartbeat was 158. Blood pressure was normal!!! And according to my nurse I only gained one pound this week :)

I was a little less nervous this week that is...until I got to the office. Then my heart started beating a little faster. We had to wait a little longer today and I think that heightened my anticipation. But my mom came with me today and she kept me calm. We had to do the vaginal ultrasound again because the tech said it was best to stay consistent. So once the wand went in I saw another "black hole." So of course I asked her if that meant that my cervix was dilated. She said...what do you see? I stopped her when I saw the hole again and she told me what it was and that it is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT and so I left it at that.

When I met with my doctor afterwards I asked him about the tight, achy, heavy-like feeling I get after working. You see...I get this tight, achy, heavy-like feeling almost every day towards the end of my shift. Its worse the more I'm on my feet. But I am glad to report that he told me it was completely normal. I then told him that Brian thinks I make up something to worry about each week. And he told me... you are not making it are just way in tune to your body. And that folks wraps up week 16!!!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Finishing the Basement!!!

Back in April...well to be exact on Friday April 22 (the day of our BFP) Brian decided that it was time to start finishing our basement. So on May 2 the framing began and by the next day it was already finished!!!  Yea for being one step closer towards our future babes play area/toy room. But of course if you ask the hubby it means he's one step closer towards his man cave...

standing in family room looking into bar area, office area, and a storage area

 standing in family room looking into storage area, bathroom, and a bedroom

 standing by bathroom looking into (part of) the family room and bar area

 another view of the future family room

future playroom (part of the family room), more storage, and stairs

Then in June the heating and cooling and plumbing were completed. And now our next step is completing the electrical which will happen this coming Saturday when my bro-in-law (who happens to be an electrician) pays our home a visit. This of course means I will be hanging out with my sis and her 3 kiddos all day since the hubby will be helping my bro-in-law out. Here's to the hope that everything will be finished before the babe arrives!!!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Happy One Year Blog Anniversary

I already blogged today but I just couldn't let the day pass without acknowledging the fact that today marks one year of blogging. Crazy! 215 posts (not including this one) and counting!!! This blog has been so therapeutic for me but the best part about this blog is that I met all of fellow IFers, IVFers and Babyloss Mommies. All I can say is THANK YOU for your constant encouragement and prayers.


This past Monday I was at my parent's house for awhile (my mom was watching the two oldest Tibbe kiddos) and right before I left I ran back inside for something and when I came back out this is what I happened upon...

gum anyone?

I will have you all know that my keys were (thank goodness) IN my hands. But he still managed to have some quick fun...when I started the engine my blinker was going crazy and about 3 hours later I laughed when I realized that my brights were on :)

"hey aunt Innie can I have some gum"

On Thursday I went to Millennium Park with my mom, sis, sis-in-law Kristi, and the 4 nieces and 2 nephews. It was a beautiful day and the kids had fun splashing around in the water. As we were leaving out of curiosity my 3 (and a half) year old niece Cambrey asked me why I had come along since all I did was sit and watch. All I had to do was remind her about the baby in my belly and she was satisfied. Love her sweet innocence!

Cole, Kylynn, Cambrey, and Addi
Addi, Cole, Easton and Grandma, Kylynn, and Cambrey
Couldn't you just eat her up?
All 6 GRANDkiddos and the best shot out of 13 pictures taken!!!

On Friday we celebrated my nephew Easton's 1st Birthday. Hard to believe just a mere 2 weeks and a day after I gave birth to Ella that this little fella made his way into the world. At first it was hard being around him because he was a reminder of all I had lost. But now I love him to pieces (and I love being around him) because he will always be a reminder of where the girls would have been. Love you Easton Marc!!!

The Birthday Boy!
Serious little boy eating his yummy cake!!!

Yesterday in the sweltering heat we headed to a Detroit Tigers game with my parents. Can I tell you how grateful I was that my hubby got us seats in the shade. There is NO way I could have endured the heat and sun shining directly on me. The funny thing is I normally yell at him for putting me in the shade. All I can say is pregnancy has made me LOVE the shade. :) The Tigers didn't play the greatest (they lost) but half the fun is just going to the game so all in all it was still a fun day.

Brian and I
My parents...don't ya just love my dad's styling free hat...haha.
Me and my mama

So last week Tuesday when I gave my most recent update I didn't tell my whole ultrasound story because I was tired of typing. But since this is my pregnancy journal I want to make sure I remember it all. So here's the rest of the story...

The ultrasound tech was trying to get a good cervical measurement on me but since the little peanut was doing a headstand (literally) on my cervix she couldn't get a good picture. She then informed me that she would have to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a good measurement. O yea is all I could think. Before she stepped out of the room she did tell me that of what she could see that my cervix looked good. So you would think I would be all calm then during the vaginal ultrasound...but of course you all know I always have to worry about something. So as she was doing the vaginal ultrasound I saw a big black opening. And then I saw a measurement of 2.2cm. I was just laying there thinking "OH MY GOODNESS" I am already so thin and dilated. She wrapped it all up and I asked her what was my measurement was. And that is when she said 4.2cm but I took like 10 measures and nothing was less than 3.7 and that was with a little pressure. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and then asked her about the "black opening" that I had seen and about the 2.2cm I saw on the screen. She smiled and said that the black opening was absolutely nothing and that the 2.2cm was just the first of 2 measurements that she had to take to get my measurement. As the hubby says...I just need to RELAX. Oh if only it was that easy... 

KEEP WALKING with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life. (Jesus Calling)

The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:23-24

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Journey: Week 15 and Appointment Update

July 12
How Far Along: 15 weeks and 2 days

Size of Baby: Our little bug-a-boo is on average 4 inches long (crown to rump) and weighs in at about 2.5 ounces. Or for comparisons sake...the size of an apple.

Picture of Baby:
all curled up (head facing away)
BIG stretch!!!
15 weeks: Baby H. is busy moving amniotic fluid through his/her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in his/her lungs begin to develop. Bug's legs are growing longer than his/her arms now, and he/she can move all of his/her joints and limbs. Although his/her eyelids are still fused shut, he/she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at my tummy, for instance, he/she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for Bug to taste at this point, but he/she is forming taste buds. Finally, at my ultrasound this week, I may be able to find out whether Baby H. is a boy or a girl...(so you can be sure that I'll be telling them that we DON'T want to know)!!! (Information taken from

Maternity Clothes: Still not needed. However, I did ask my doctor about the fact that my belly seems to be so little yet and he just smiled and said that I might not show for awhile because I have LOTS of room for this little one to grow. :)

Weight Gain: Down a pound. Must have been all the stress from that stinking Round Ligament scare. So my grand total as of today is 5.5lbs.


Stretch Marks: Nada...

Sleep: Love it!!! Although it does take quite a bit these days to get me comfortable. (And yes I do realize that I am not very big nor very far along which means I can only imagine what I'll be feeling 15 plus weeks from now).

Best Moment of the Week: After my round ligament scare from last week Wednesday...knowing that my sweet little bug is alive, healthy, and growing in my belly. 

Movement: Sometimes I think I feel a lil flutter but still nothing definite. Hoping within the next 3-5 weeks!!!

Symptoms: A tight and full belly at night. And hunger pains that hit every couple of hours.

Food Cravings: McDonald's chicken nuggets...YUM!!! Oh and I did go to the grocery store this past week with my main intent being to get me some Apple Jacks and I must say that they've been tasting mighty good :)

Gender: The plan is to be surprised when the little peanut makes his/her debut IN DECEMBER (OR JANUARY)!!!

What I Miss: Anxious free me...

What I'm Looking Forward to: Making it to 20 weeks...the half way point!!!

So once again I left the doctor's office feeling so so SO much better than when I went in. I was so nervous (diarrhea and retching nervous) going into today's appointment because of the round ligament scare from last week. But the moment the probe was on my belly I saw my sweet bugger's heart just a beating and thankfully he/she was just a moving his/her little arms and legs all around too. I must stop and mention here that I have the WORLD'S BEST HUBBY...Brian is always so calm and reassuring heading into these appointments and there is no way I could muster the courage to go to them by myself. He has come to every single appointment with me throughout this whole pregnancy (including those at my RE's office). Thus far the count is at 9 since the BFP and remember we're only at 15 weeks folks.

Anyways back to the appointment update...Baby Hemy was a whopping 5oz with a heartbeat of 162. (If you remember from average 15 week fetus is 2.5 ounces...we're double that already (yea)!!!...all I can say is grow baby grow)!!! Dr. J said that everything looks great and that there is NOTHING to worry about. This was said because we found out today that I do have placenta previa. (Placenta previa is when the placenta covers the cervix). Go figure I gotta keep things interesting. But Dr. J said that 1 out of 200 pregnancies starts out this way and that as my uterus grows (and moves up) hopefully (and in most cases) the placenta moves up with it. If not then I will have to have a C-section. But I was happy to hear that no harm will come to my sweet bug and that he is in no way concerned about the placenta previa. So that about wraps up this appointment update. Oh but one last cervical length update. My cervix bounced between 3.7 (with pressure) and 4.2 (no pressure). Thick and long...just the way I like it :) Next appointment is a week from today and my mama is going to be joining me!!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Nervous Nelly/Anxious Annie

Thursday was one of those very bad no good kinda days. It didn't go anything like I had mentioned in my post from Thursday morning. To start with...I slept so very horribly Wednesday night which then meant that I wasn't feeling the greatest on Thursday. (I will get to why I slept so horribly later in the post). And since it was so cloudy outside and since my sister said she was having a problem with algae in her pool I decided to just stay home. I don't need any help in the infection department :) On a good note though I started my antibiotics on Thursday!!! And to be very honest...mentally they're already making me feel lots better!!!

So let me first tell you why I slept so so so bad on Wednesday night. On Wednesday around 9pm or so I was laying on the couch when the oven timer went off. I went from a laying to a standing position (I guess) much too quickly and when I was standing I had the sharpest pain in my right side. This of course FREAKED me out BIG time. It lasted only seconds and then completely went away. There was no bleeding or loss of fluid or any cramping that came with it. One second I was in pain and a few seconds later it was like it had never happened. Of course I said to Brian I hope the baby didn't just die. And this my friends is the thought that set me up for a long sleepless night. A little back story...about 4 days prior to finding out that I had miscarried Luke I woke up in the middle of the night to a sharp pain on my left side. And then of course when I found out that I had miscarried him I assumed that the pain had signaled the exact moment when I had miscarried.(Probably not true but as you all know I have quite the imagination). So needless to say I went to bed worried sick... 

I woke up Thursday morning feeling really blah. I felt really nauseous (because I was so tired from barely sleeping) and even though my belly was rumbling I did NOT feel nor want to eat. But I did. And when I did it (the food) tasted like mush in my mouth. So I stopped eating. So since I was still worried sick and still extremely focused on that sharp pain...I did what any person in my shoes would do...I went straight to Dr. Google. (My doctor's office does not open until 9am but believe me I gave them a call at 9am sharp)! When I put my symptoms into Dr. Google it appeared that what I had experienced was round ligament pain. I had never experienced any round ligament pain with the girls so this was very new to me (hence why it scared the (excuse me) SHIT out of me). But once I read a little bit about it I was pretty sure that this is what had caused my pain from the night before. Read a little snip-it about round ligament pain below (and tell me if you agree)... 

By pregnancy week 13 your uterus is expanding even further. This sometimes causes some discomfort or mild cramping. Some women experience what is referred to as round ligament pain around 13 weeks pregnant. This pain while sometimes alarming is usually harmless. If you experience round ligament pain you may feel a short or brief sharp and stabbing pain along one side of your abdomen or the other. This usually happens when a woman is shifting positions quickly, say moving from her side to her back or getting up suddenly.

Most round ligament pain will disappear in a few minutes. If you notice pain that is accompanied by other symptoms including bleeding, vomiting or cramping you should contact your health care provider immediately. This may be a sign that something more serious is occurring. Typically however round ligament pain is brief and easily relieved by simply relaxing or resting for a moment. It often serves as an important reminder for pregnant women to slow things down while pregnant. 

Well 9am finally rolled around so I called my office and my nurse did not sound alarmed at all. But she said that she would run it past my doctor and that she would call me back if he was concerned. (I never got a call back). A few hours later I called my sister and was relieved when she said she had lots of round ligament pain (just like I described) with her first two pregnancies. So you would think that all this would make me feel better but no...I was still holding on to that nagging fear/worry that something was wrong with my sweet little bug. I should have just asked to come in for a doppler but I didn't. So now I must wait until Tuesday. 

So yesterday at work I was asking around about round ligament pain and everyone was very comforting in telling me that they too had experienced that same pain and all had ended well (but that it had scared them all the first time too). So little by by day...I am feeling a little bit more confident that my sweet little love is okay. But I am very ready for it to be Tuesday again and you can bet I will be a Nervous Nelly as I wait for them to put that probe on my belly. Oye me this is all SO SO SO stressful. 

So what did I do on Thursday. I laid around all day feeling oh so very sorry for myself and of course worrying quite a bit too. Excellent way to spend a day don't ya think. I did manage to take a nap though which I was very thankful for. Brian got home at 3:30pm or so and once I pulled myself off the couch we went to grab something to eat (it was only 4:30pm...and as you can imagine there were maybe 3 other elderly couples in the restaurant with us). Of course my burger tasted off (all day everything was either tasting like mush or like something really nasty). 

After that we stopped by the cemetery. Which of course led to me crying the whole way to Meijer to pick up my (antibiotic) prescription. I just lost it. I told Brian I am so sick of living every day hurting because we have two daughters in heaven and that I am so sick of not being able to enjoy this pregnancy for one single second. Every day I find something new to worry about. I love this little one so so so much and don't know what I would do if anything happened to him/her. Some days are better than others but Thursday just really sucked and to be very honest on this particular day I was just sick and tired of dealing with all the pain and anxiety in my life. Pregnancy is something to be enjoyed. It is not suppose to make you anxious. I so miss the easy enjoyment I had with the girl's pregnancy. I do not love the anxiousness of this pregnancy. And I very easily get jealous when people around me just get pregnant (like that) and have an anxious free pregnancy. Thank goodness I had a counseling session that night so I could get this all out and thank goodness I learned some relaxation breathing. Hoping it helps. All I can say is my counselor is amazing and I am so thankful for her.

Then after work yesterday I was walking out with another girl (from a different floor). I made some comment about being glad I only have to work 8 hours and she said oh do you do five 8's now. I said no...just three because I'm pregnant and on short term disability. She said...Oh my goodness congrats I had no idea. We then got to talking about my anxiety and my fears about losing the baby and then she asked me this question. Can you DO anything to stop yourself from losing the baby. I said no I can't. She said exactly...all you can do is pray about it because whatever is going to happen is part of God's will. So there you have it...His will...His way...not mine.

Our devotions from Thursday. All I can say is the words hit me square in the face...
TRUST ME IN ALL YOUR THOUGHTS. I know that some thoughts are unconscious or semi-conscious, and I do not hold you responsible for those. But you can direct conscious thoughts much more than you may realize. Practice thinking in certain ways--trusting Me, thanking Me--and those thoughts become more natural. Reject negative or sinful thoughts as soon as you become aware of them. Don't try to hide them from Me; confess them and leave them with Me. Go on your way lightheartedly. This method of controlling your thoughts will keep your mind in My Presence and your feet on the path of Peace. (Jesus Calling)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

One Year Later

One year ago we buried our little girls. We said good-bye to our perfect little miracles. But we rejoice in knowing that this good-bye was not the end...that some day we will hold our sweet daughters again.

Their tiny little casket

It was a perfect day. The sun was shining. Not a cloud in sight. Brian and I along with our loved ones sat beneath an old tree and listened to our Pastors word's of love and encouragement. And at the end he read the letter I wrote to the girls...

Dear Alayna and Ella,

We loved you from the moment we knew we were pregnant. After a year of wanting you so badly, we were excited that our dream was finally coming true. And it became even sweeter when we found out there were two of you to love. We called you are two little bugs. I remember seeing and hearing your little hearts beat at our 8 week ultrasound. It was so amazing and we thanked God for the gift of your precious lives. And then you gave us a scare at 11 weeks, making daddy rush home from Ann Arbor. My dear Alayna it was during that ultrasound that I knew you were going to be a little girl. You waved at your daddy...thanking him for rushing home to be with mommy. Then at 16 weeks we found out that you our sweet Ella Adrianna were a girl. Mommy was so excited! I had so many hopes and dreams for you my sweet angel babies. Plans for your futures. I thought about you all day every day. Wondering about who you would look like and what type of personalities you would have. But God had different plans. Because before we truly knew you, He called you home to Him! I hope you know how much mommy and daddy loved you. You have changed our lives forever. And not a day will go by that we won't think about our two little blessings in heaven.

Love you forever and ever,
Mommy and Daddy

And as always...our Carepage update from July 8, 2010...

Since we can't change the past, all we have is to look forward to the future. As we journey on this new walk we pray that God has such a perfect plan in store for us that someday we will look back on these weeks and smile. Smile at the memories of our perfect and tiny baby girls that were such a huge blessing in our lives.

What we felt yesterday is hard to put into words. I cried myself to sleep Tuesday night and woke up yesterday morning and cried some more. I cried as I was choosing what to wear for my babies funeral. I cried as Brian and I picked out what he was going to wear. I cried when I looked in the mirror and saw a flat belly. I cried as we drove to the cemetery. I cried during the service. I cried as our Pastor read my letter to my first and second born and then by the Grace of God, the tears stopped. The service was small and private but perfect. As Brian and I with our families sat under a shady tree we listened to our pastor's words of comfort, knowing someday we will see our perfect little angels again. But until then we know they will be watching over us!

Today I will spending the day with my sister (and Cambrey, Cole, and Brinley) since the hubby has to work. Distraction is best for me so being with some of my little loves will hopefully ease the pain of not being with my baby girls. It's been a rough last few weeks and I am so thankful that today marks the end of year one. A year I pray to never relive. After a pool day at my sisters I'll head home so Brian and I can stop by the cemetery before heading back to my sister's to enjoy some pizza and strawberry pie. And then the last stop of the evening will be to visit my counselor...might even make the hubby come in with me :) Thinking he'll fight me on this though...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What I've Been Up To...

What a busy last few weeks...although you wouldn't know it since all my updates have revolved around the girls and sweet baby bug growing inside me (which are very important updates I must say) but here's what else I've been up to...

On June 24 (Alayna's birthday) Brian's cousin, his wife, and their 3 daughters came up/down/across Wisconsin to spend the weekend with us. It was a wonderfully distracting weekend. Friday ended up being not the best of weather so we just headed to the mall, relaxed around the house, and ate lots of food. Saturday was a beautiful you guessed it...we spent the WHOLE day outside. Brian's parents live on a lake so we beached it all day. Our good friends Steve and Laura and their 3 girls hung out with us all day too. We swam, laid out, fished, and of course ate a ton more food. And of course this was the night my sweet niece Brinley was born so Brian and I made a stop up to the hospital to see her sweet little face. Sunday was another beautiful day so after church and dinner we spent a few more hours outside enjoying the sunshine before the Flegners headed home. It was a good weekend and no breakdowns because I was so distracted. And lets just say I love distraction because I hate sitting inside crying on sun-shining days.

Then it was off to work for 2 days before enjoying a week of camping at Holland State Park. The weather was absolutely perfect (except for one very rainy day). This year my mom, sis-in-law (and her 3 kiddos), and myself did the most camping with the men joining us on Friday (for the rest of the weekend). My sis and her hubby made it out for a couple of evenings and my niece and nephew (Cambrey and Cole) did sleepover one night. My mom's best friend (and her hubby) and their three children (plus spouses and kiddos) all from out of state were camping as well. We had a wonderful time (again great distraction for me). We went to the beach every day and relaxed around the campfire at night. Oh and of course ate LOTS of food again. I took a few pictures but to be honest I mostly sat on my butt :) and just watched "the show"...

Aunt Linnie (and the babe) with Kylynn and Addi at the beach.
My lovable...huggable...squeezable nephew Easton.
Me and the hubster.
My bunkmates for a night...Cambrey and Cole :)
Happy Birthday Kylynn beautiful 5 year old niece!!!
Celebrating Kylynn's birthday...Gabe (my mom's BFF's 
grandson), Addi, Ky, Cambrey, and Cole.
6 days old...Brinley Mae.
Aunt Linnie and Brinley.
Eating smores!!!

And now I'm home so that means back to work...ugh...

Oh but two last pictures. On Thursday I took a quick drive home (it's only a 30 minute drive) so that Brian and I could stop by the cemetery on Ella's birthday together.
Mommy and Daddy wishing our sweet Ella girl 
a very Happy Birthday!!!