Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Pregnancy After Loss (Part 2)

***If you didn't read Monday's post...make sure you do so you can catch-up on part 1***

FETAL MOVEMENT...
"I over analyze everything. If the baby hasn't moved for a half hour or 15 minutes, I freak out. I wish I could enjoy it more than I do. I feel kind of bad about that. But I just don't see any way around it other than to quit worrying, and that's absolutely impossible."

Ohhhh is this ever me. I have had many freak out moments over the past few weeks. I just want Buggy to be moving ALL THE TIME. Because when Buggy is moving I feel that Buggy is alive and well (and this makes me VERY happy). But of course I have moments when Buggy is moving that I get scared. Sometimes I think to myself...am I contracting or is that just Buggy growing bigger and bigger and becoming harder in my belly? There have also been times when Buggy has kicked my cervix and believe me...it has stopped me in my tracks and has nearly made my heart stop. As you can see...I want the movement to be on my terms...and there to be no crazy business. And I of course prefer Buggy to NOT use my bladder as a trampoline. And now that I am being overly honest...every now and then I feel a little leakage and I of course go to worst case scenario...is it amniotic fluid. Oh be glad you aren't me...

THIRD TRIMESTER...
"I'm mentally trying to prepare myself for the first time I meet this baby and what happens if it has Jacob's little face...I don't want to feel like we're replacing the one we lost." It is common to get nothing ready for the new baby, especially if you had to put away unused baby things before...Avoiding preparing is a way of protecting yourself and does not mean you won't love this baby. Others may not understand but you need to do what feels right for you.

I have been so afraid of jinxing anything (even though I know I cannot jinx anything) that I hardly dare buy or prepare anything. My goal was to wait until 20 weeks and then 20 weeks turned into 24 weeks. Although I did ordered the babe's bedding at 20 weeks but the glider ordering didn't happen until 24 weeks. And also at 24 weeks we Brian finally set up the crib and changing table. Most people have their whole baby's room set up by this point in their pregnancy. And then there is the little big thing of registering. Most people are so excited to register but for me it is a BIG deal. The plan is now to go a week from Monday. Yes...the plan was originally to go this past Monday but something came up so at 26 weeks it will be...as long as my cervix cooperates...and there I go being pessimistic again...aghhh. And then of course this past week I have finally started picking up a few "little" items here and there. The thing is I thought that I would start enjoying this pregnancy at 24 weeks but now even 28 weeks isn't good enough for me. I just want to be 32 weeks because then I truly believe that I will finally feel that this dream of mine is going to come true!!! 

COMMUNICATING  AS COUPLES...
"We met with a psychologist who specialized in infant loss. She helped me and my husband through our differences in how we dealt with our fears and grief." Just as the loss of your baby may have put a strain on you as a couple, your next pregnancy is likely to test even the strongest relationships. Individuals grieve differently. The progress through emotional and spiritual stages at different times, in different ways. You will find these alternating "ups and downs" to be a part of your next pregnancy also. "I really think one of the biggest impacts is on our marriage because we dealt with it differently. I went to the pregnancy after loss support group, saw a therapist, and my husband just really held everything in."

Couldn't agree more that husbands and wife's grieve EXTREMELY differently. And that we also deal with the emotions of a subsequent pregnancy differently too. Brian gets very frustrated with me when I say things like...boy Buggy why do you always stick to this side of my uterus or if I say to Brian look at how hard my belly is on this side. He gets really concerned that something is wrong so he always asks if what is happening is normal. I typically reassure him that these things are normal but he told me last night that he wishes he could just put me in a bubble for the next 3 months. But I know it's only because he cares so much about me and the baby. 

CONCLUSION...
You will always be a different parent than parents who have never suffered a loss. Some parents are able to see their changed view of life as a gift from their deceased baby. "If our first baby had lived, I know we would have been good parents. We would have done all the things we'd learned to do, but we would have done them with much less consciousness. Going through the deep traumatic loss of having our son come and leave so quickly made us more conscious human beings in this world, which allowed us to be different parents to the children who came after him than we could have been to him. I believe that's true."

The angel's that made us parents...
Alayna Joy 6/24/10

Ella Adrianna 6/30/10

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