The funny thing about this pregnancy is this...the farther along I become the more love I feel for Buggy BUT somehow at the same time it makes me miss the girl's more than ever. I often wonder how this is possible. How can I love this child so so so much and still miss my girls so so so much. To be honest most days I wish with everything inside of me that all 3 of my babies could be here with me and their daddy. (Now I am not forgetting about Luke here...its just that losing Alayna and Ella hit me much harder than losing Luke. After all, I birthed and buried the girls and saw their BEAUTIFUL faces and held them in my arms. I know some may feel differently but we are each entitled to our own opinions and this is mine).
Anyways I still think about my girls every.single.day. I said to my mom the other day that I can be doing something that is completely occupying my mind and suddenly all I can do is think about Alayna and Ella and how much I miss them. I know time will continue to heal but my heart still aches so deeply for them. Maybe I am just hormonal or maybe its because their first birthday would be this coming Friday or Saturday. Either way its so hard for me to believe that my twins should be turning 1 years old already. But God doesn't make mistakes and I know that they are with Him and that they are with Him for a reason. A reason this mama desperately wants to know but at the same time I know that I am not entitled to knowing (at this time anyways). So instead I choose to trust in His perfect plan. A plan beyond my simple understanding.