Thursday, December 8, 2011

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

Hard to believe that its been ONE whole year since we found out we were expecting our third little miracle. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Brian couldn't take the day off to be with me (while we waited for the phone call) so my mom took the day off instead. After November's BFN...there was NO way I could or wanted to hear the news sitting home by myself again. I will forever be grateful that my mom spent the day with me. We ate a little breakfast at Panera Bread, we got pedicures, and did a little shopping until I just couldn't concentrate anymore. After shopping we went back to my mom's house to wait for the phone call. It was a little before 2pm and I said to my mom maybe we should go to my house and see if they called the home phone. She agreed so to my house we went...but the answering machine was not blinking. I was going crazy because when we got the girl's positive and the previous month's negative I knew before 11am. And then the call finally came...WE WERE PREGNANT!!! And even though we lost our precious third miracle a few weeks later...the one thing I will say is that it made Christmas 2010 more bearable (since it was suppose to be the girl's first Christmas). But here's to Christmas 2011 (plus a few days) being THE BEST CHRISTMAS TO DATE!!!

A friend emailed me "A Bereaved Parent's Wish List" a few days ago and even though some of it may not/does not apply to me anymore some of it certainly still does...and some of it may still apply to some of you so I wanted to share it with you all.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

I wish my child hadn't died. 
I wish I had my child back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child’s name. 
My child lived and was very important to me. 
I need to hear that my child was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. The months/years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that my child is gone.

I wish you wouldn't expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.

I don’t want to have a “pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, it’s certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died too. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person ever again.

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had my child back.

Love you Luke!!!

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