Thursday, December 27, 2012

Twelve Months/One Year

Mason,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most handsome and lovable little boy this mama knows!!! It's hard for mommy to believe that its already been a year since they put perfect little YOU in my arms. Hands down the BEST moment of my life!!! You have brought so much joy to my heart...a heart that I thought would be broken forever. I am so glad God chose you to be my sweet baby boy. And my sweet baby boy you will always be!!!
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy too)

Happy Twelve Months/One Year Sweet Boy!!!
Stats: Initially I was thinking that Mason was weighing around the 26 pound mark (give or take). But then two weeks ago when I put him on my scale (just for fun) he was only weighing 23 pounds and approximately 10 ounces. So now I really don't know. As for height maybe 31.5-32 inches tall. Guess we will find out for sure on January 2!!! (Update: At Mason's one year check up on January 2 Mason weighed 23lbs and 8ozs. Measured 31 inches tall. And his head was 18 and 3/4 round).
Sizes: Mason is mostly wearing 12-18 month or 18 month clothing. But on occasion does wear some 18-24 month clothing. And he is still wearing size 4 Kirkland brand diapers.
Food: Over the last two weeks I have slowly been mixing Vitamin D milk with formula. So as of tomorrow Mason will be a Vitmain D ONLY milk drinker. No more formula for Mason Dale!!! For now I am still going to give him four bottles a day but I will slowly start taking a bottle away each meal time and will instead give him his sippy cup (filled with milk). Thinking his night time bottle will be the last to go. Tear. He picks and chooses when he wants to be a good eater or not. Loves meat, carbs, snacks, and dairy. Dislikes veggies and most fruits (the only fruits I can get him to eat are strawberries and grapes).
Routine: His routine has not changed (much) from last month.
Developmental Milestones: Mason right after turning 11 months became a pro at climbing both up AND down the stairs. To be honest we rarely have the gate up anymore. He definitely says (without a doubt)...mama, dada, and woof. If you ask him what a doggie says...he says woof. Otherwise still doing lots of baby talk. Besides stairs still not climbing on things too  much. I do think that is in part because we don't have much to just climb on in our house. (BONUS)!!!
Loves: Mason loves playing in the toilet. Mason loves trucks and balls. Mason loves his daddy and mommy. Mason loves loves loves reading books. Mason loves play dates. (Although sometimes he gets a little shy). And Mason loves playing on the dishwasher or in the fridge. Wherever he is in the house he somehow always knows when the dishwasher or fridge is open because he always comes a running. And throws a fit if we close them before he reaches them.
Other Things I Don't Want To Forget:
  • Celebrated your first Christmas


  • Sat on Santa's lap...(twice)...hated it both times.
  • You love getting into any and every cupboard and trash can that you can anywhere and everywhere in our house. You keep momma on her toes.
  • We found out (actually last month) that you were going to be a big brother. But God decided to call your little brother or sister home. 
  • You got your first battle scar from falling into the fireplace.
  • Early December brought about some "warmer" weather which meant swing rides for Mason!!!
  • You had your first real temp of 103 degrees.
  • When home you do NOT (will not) wear socks.
  • You like to stick your tongue out and be silly.
  • You still like to pretend to clean.
  • I've been told a time or two that you make the funniest of faces.
  • You love pulling hair, hitting peeps in the face, and pulling off glasses. What a nice boy you are ;)
  • You always do this thing of putting your hand in front of your face.

And just because I LOVE this picture...

Happy 1st Birthday To My Precious Baby Boy

~MASON~

On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the wind whispered,
"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...
ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain
that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

It sailed through the farmland
high on the breeze...

Over the ocean...

And through the trees...

Until everyone heard it 
and everyone knew
of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,
such a nose,
such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

When the polar bears heard,
they danced until dawn.

From faraway places,
the geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until
morning the next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are
and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
listen for geese honking high in the sky.
(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.
(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.
(Listen closely...it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,
or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,
or a little bird sits at your window awhile,
it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
has the world ever known a you, my friend,
and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet
and played every horn
on the wonderful, marvelous
night you were born.
(On The Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman)

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Saturday, December 22, 2012

And Part Two Of Our Journey To Baby #5

*I apologize to those of you who read yesterday's posting and missed Thursday's posting. Some of this is repeat but if you skip to December 12 you will get the rest of the story.*

November 21
So today was beta (hcg) day #2. I wish more than anything I was that innocent girl (back in February 2010) with not a worry to my name…just excitedly waiting for my results. Instead I am petrified that something is going to go wrong. Yesterday I called and talked to one of my nurses and asked her to put a note on my chart saying that they could leave my results on my voice mail since I would be working. Thankfully the message got passed along (unlike last time) and when I checked my voice mail around 11am or so there was a message from my office. The message went something like this…Lindsey it’s Jennifer from the Fertility Center just calling to let you know that your hcg level came back and it looks great!!! Your level was 199. Continue taking your meds as before and we will see you for your ultrasound on December 5. Click. Insert TOTAL PANIC. Did I hear that correctly…my level was only 199??? It’s suppose to double and double for me would have been 214. I started shaking uncontrollably and immediately called the nurse back. I had to leave a message so I told them to call me on my work phone. I wanted answers and I wanted them ASAP. Jennifer called me back within 30 minutes and reassured me that although no my hcg had not doubled…that my level was still very good and that my doctor was not at all concerned. She said although we say they should double…really the level just needs to increase by 80% (mine increased by 86%). She said to try and relax and to not worry. But then continued with  I know that’s easier said then done. I thanked her and called Brian (who was at home watching Mason). I told Brian to do some research and he emailed me later saying that betas just need to double every 48-72 hours or need to increase by 66%. So for the rest of the day I tried not to worry.

November 23
If you know me at all you know I've done LOTS of research over the last few days on Dr. Google (concerning my non doubling beta level and my lack of pregnancy symptoms). As for my beta I am feeling a little better about the fact that it did not double. I've read many stories of people whose betas did not double and who went on to have completely normal pregnancies. Most doctors actually say that they just want to see a 66% increase (not the 80% that my office does). And my beta barely didn't double. If I would have waited another hour or so it most likely would have. Plus betas double every 48-72 hours and my second beta was drawn at exactly 48 hours. And betas can vary from person to person and pregnancy to pregnancy. Since I have never had my beta not double before the above sentence made me feel much better. And as for the lack of pregnancy symptoms I know that I didn't really have any with Mason this early on either. But I also know that when I am stressed I stop eating and obviously pregnancy causes me to be one stressed out chica…hence the lack of appetite. Plus Dr. Google said that it was very common to lose your appetite in the first few months. And obviously I am not going to have a bloated belly if I’m not eating. Ahhhh don’t you all wish you were as neurotic as me!!!

November 24
Bought some home pregnancy tests today when at the grocery store in hopes of seeing the line (that indicates whether you’re pregnant or not) get darker and darker. It should get darker if your hcg is increasing. Peed on a stick late this afternoon and the testing (pregnant) line was definitely darker than the control line!!!

November 26
Dr. Dodds called to say congrats!!! Have I ever told you how much I love my office!!! Unfortunately I didn't get to talk to him since I was working but it sure put a smile on my face after a long day at work.

November 27 
Peed on another stick. Testing line was once again darker than the control line. And if I might say it (the testing line) looked even darker today than it did on the 24th).

November 29
A day that I will NEVER forget. It started off like any other day but at 11am it took a sharp turn for the worse...because when I went to the bathroom there was blood. Not a lot but enough to scare the bejeebies out of me. Anyways I immediately called Brian...almost too stunned to speak. Then as I was calling my fertility office my mom called. I told her what was happening but then told her that I had to get a hold of my office and that I would call her back when I knew anything. Called my office and instead of leaving a message for one of my nurses to call me back I told the front desk that I HAD to talk to an IVF nurse. I was immediately transferred to Sandy. I then explained to Sandy that I had just used the bathroom and that there was a small amount of blood. She wasn't too concerned (because spotting is very common in early pregnancy) but to make me feel better she sent me to get my hcg drawn. Called Brian back and told him to get home. Once Brian got home I ran to the lab. Around 2pm I got a call back saying that my hcg had come back at 1926. Not good. At this point (if it had been doubling every 48 hours) it should have been around 3200. Plan is to get another level drawn on Saturday and my ultrasound was changed to Monday (Dec 3). Dr. Dodds was out of town and Dr. Young was worried about this pregnancy being ectopic. Pretty sure this day ranks in the top 5 WORST days of my life. 

November 30
Went to work today. It was a good distraction but of course my emotions got the best of me and I started crying. Which led me to telling a few coworkers what was going on. Up until this point only our parents, my sister, and two of my coworkers (who have also gone through IVF) knew what was happening. We wanted to be able to surprise people for once.

December 1
Hcg came back at 2569. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Should have been around 3850 today. Told to continue my meds though since my hcg was still increasing. Thankfully no more spotting since Thursday.

December 2
Had one more bout of spotting today. Pretty much accepting the fact that this pregnancy is over. Ready for my ultrasound tomorrow to confirm this. Sad. Angry. Depressed. I can't even begin to to describe my emotions at this point. Tears have been shed. Frustration has been voiced. Thankfully God is big enough for all my anger...cause right now there is LOTS of it. Wondering why us and why again. Haven't we been through enough. Brian and I have talked a lot over the few days about where we head next. It just sucks that we have to do another retrieval and once again make all the decisions that go along with it. And lets not forget that IVF is NOT cheap. My heart is so sad for so many reasons and on top of the list is the fact that for 3 and a half weeks I have not been able to carry my child. And what do I have to show for it. Nothing. Here's where the anger takes over. Aghhhhhhhh!!! WHY God WHY?

December 3
Big day. Ultrasound day. Not even nervous. I just want to know WHAT IS GOING ON. Everything went very quickly once arriving at the office and before I knew it Miss Wandy was doing her thing. Results...thankfully the embryo did in fact implant in the uterus (and not in one of my tubes) but at 5 weeks and 6 days there is only a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No fetal pole. Dr. Young recommends another US in 1 week. That is too long for me to wait so I ask if we can come back on Friday. Discussed with him lots of possibilities of what could be happening. He said at this point it could go either way but that if we were to just look at statistics that this will end well. Pretty sure he doesn't know that statistics never go our way. So once again we wait. Have I mentioned that I HATE waiting.
5 weeks 6 days
December 4
Had two more bouts of spotting at work which resulted in a couple more people finding out I was pregnant.

December 5
Had a mental breakdown today. Or should I call it an emotional breakdown. Either way I completely lost it and couldn't stop crying. Thankfully my mom called (what would I do without her) right when I was having my breakdown. She told me that she would pick me up when she got out of work so I (and Mase) could get out of the house. Basically I am sick and tired of waiting and not knowing whats happening. And I'm starting to feel really claustrophobic. Oh and angry that I still cannot lift my baby.

December 6
Happy freaking 4 years of struggling to build a family to us. Thanking God today for the miracle of our sweet baby boy Mason Dale!!!

December 7
OH MY WORD. We have a baby and we have a heartbeat!!! Praising God for this tiny (4.3mm tiny) baby. I know at any minute that this pregnancy could be over but for today I am thankful...SOOOOOO THANKFUL!!!  God is good!!! And even though Brian and I have been stressed, worried, angry, and doubtful (to name a few emotions)...God has proved how GREAT His LOVE is. And that miracles DO still happen!!!
6 weeks 3 days

But about today's appointment...Dr. Dodds is very encouraged by what we saw (thank you Jesus). To have gone from where we were on Monday to a 4.3mm baby with a heart beating at 119 bpm is not only excellent news but also very encouraging. Basically he said that we are for the most part at no higher risk of miscarrying than anyone else at 6 weeks pregnant. Normally once a heartbeat is seen the miscarriage rate is only 3-5%...but Dodds said he would put us at 7-8% based on our history. So now we wait. Next ultrasound is a week from today. Praying that my baby grows steadily bigger and bigger and that his/her heart is just a-beating away!!! Oh and Dodds also wants me to take it easy so he is restricting me to only working 8 hours shifts and relaxing the rest of the time.

(Again) today I just have to mention that our parents are AWESOME (and so incredibly supportive)!!! Between taking us out for dinner, making us dinner, watching Mason so we can run to all our appointments, to my mom picking me (and Mase) up just so we can get out of the house, to my father-in-law (who is retired) coming over to entertain/play with Mason...we have it SO GOOD. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful parents.

And I have decided today that NOTHING good comes from Dr. Google. So as of today I vow to NOT "G" ANYTHING here on out. Basically Google says that I will lose this pregnancy based on my slow rising hcg numbers. Whereas Dr. Dodds says that he is not at all concerned with my numbers. He said they approximately increased by 80% and that that is nothing to be concerned about. Bottom line...I need to start trusting and STOP worrying.


Dec 12
7weeks 1 day
Dec 14
Nervous as all get out as I headed into today's ultrasound but beyond thankful when I immediately saw that the baby had both grown (since last week) and still had a heartbeat!!! Baby measured 11.5mm (there was another measurement of 10.7mm...but I like the 11.5mm measurement better so gonna go with that one!!!) And baby's heartbeat was 151. Of course I get nervous when I compare this all to Mason (when he was 7 weeks 4 days). Mason was already  a whopping 16.3mm and his heartbeat was 165. But as EVERYONE has told me...EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT. Smoky bones when will I ever relax and TRUST.
7 weeks 3 days
Dec 18 
In some ways I feel like this pregnancy has been WAY more nerve-racking than Mason's pregnancy but then I think I back and remember that I was pretty neurotic during his too. It's just this time I have actual things (hcg and spotting) to worry about. I pray with all my heart and soul that this baby will in fact complete our earthly family. I do NOT want to do another fresh retrieval but I also want Mason to have a little brother or sister. So all we can do at this point is wait and see what God has in store for us...praying praying praying that its THIS BABY!!! And since I am trying to be positive I cannot wait until I am 14 weeks. I think then I just might be able to take a deep breath and relax some...maybe!!! 

I haven't been as good about documenting weight, pictures, symptoms this pregnancy so I am going to try my best to get better at it. And 8 weeks seemed like a good time to start!!! Although I plan on doing a shortened version this pregnancy...

How Far Along: 8 weeks

Size of Baby: Our little jelly bug is on average .63 inches and 0.04oz. Or for comparisons sake...the size of a kidney bean or a raspberry.

Weight Gain: I started at 143.5lbs and am currently down 2 pounds which is odd since I pretty much eat chocolate/chocolate chip cookies all day every day!!!

Gender: We will once again NOT be finding out!!! We LOVE the surprise!!!

Sleep: I wake to pee once or twice a night but otherwise I have been sleeping pretty good.

Symptoms: Hardly any. My doctor says to consider myself fortunate. I on the other hand wish I was puking up a storm ;) I would love a little reassurance ya know? I guess I would say that I am a little more tired than usual (because I am typically in bed between 8 and 9pm). And I am more hungry than normal...just not as tired or as hungry as I was with my other pregnancies. But I keep reminding myself that I have been so nervous/stressed and that always takes away my hunger. Again I know that every pregnancy is different and that I need to STOP comparing but its hard. Sometimes I think I have that "yucky" taste in my mouth that I had with both the girls and Mason's pregnancies but other times I think that I am just imaging it. I have NEVER had sore boobs and I have NEVER had vomiting or extreme nausea. I did however have LOTS of retching with Mason's pregnancy and have had none with this pregnancy.

Food Cravings: Meat and anything chocolate. Especially chocolate chip cookies!!! As a side note for the first 4 weeks (after implantation) I had NO (absolutely NO) appetite. I truly was forcing myself to eat. It's been better the last 2 weeks but basically I eat whatever sounds good. Which means we've hit up quite a few restaurants...when a craving hits thats where we head!!! I remember saying with my next pregnancy that I was really going to watch what I ate. Ha...that thought didn't last long.

Emotions: All over the stinking place. But I tell myself daily that worrying is not going to change a thing so I need to stop worrying and start trusting. God already has determined the outcome of this story and I need to trust that no matter what the outcome...that its perfect!!!

Dec 19
Headed into work today like any other day. Only this day turned into one of "those days" that I will never forget. I went to the bathroom around 11:15am and once again I was spotting. I immediately called my office and they squeezed me in for an afternoon ultrasound. Brian met me at our RE's office and once the probe was in we both immediately knew. Our sweet baby no longer had a heartbeat. No tears. Just that awful shock feeling. Numb to anything and everything. Not going to go into too many more details on here since I already blogged about this day here but figured it best to end this journey on the day it actually ended.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Part One Of Our Journey To Baby #5

July 2012
My initial plan after having Mason was to implant at the first possible opportunity AFTER Labor Day Weekend. But then I went and got my first cycle on July 18 and knew that I would (most likely) be implanted just before Labor Day weekend. And since I really wanted to enjoy Labor Day Weekend in the UP with my family Brian and I decided to wait another month. But then I did my calculations for a September FET and figured out that I would (most likely) be implanted around September 27-29 which also wasn't going to work for me. So we decided to wait yet another month and shoot for an October FET.

August 2012
Gave down payment for an October FET and my consultation appointment is scheduled for September 13.

September 13
As were driving to the Fertility office I told Brian that I was super duper nervous. And that I could just feel my blood pumping. So of course I wasn't too surprised when my blood pressure read 153/108. White coat syndrome anyone? That would be a YES for me. Anyways it was so awesome seeing so many of my faves at the office (Sandy, Tara, Fran, and of course Dr. Dodds). And it was SO fun showing Mason off. (Yes he came to this appointment with us but only after we got the okay to do so)!!! Anyways we discussed with Dr. Dodds how we would proceed and it was decided that I would try a new protocol called the Long Lupron Protocol.


October 16
Implantation Day is set for November 8.

November 1
I went in for my ultrasound today to check my lining and was very pleased to hear that it looked beyond excellent!!! Sandy (my nurse) said my lining just needed to be thicker than 7mm and she said two of her measurements came in at 9.7mm and 10.3mm so we are definitely a go for the 8th. Before leaving the office I had just one more question for Sandy. My question was…when would we get the phone call IF our lone embryo did not make it through the thawing process. Let me stop here a second and be very honest with you all. I am a very pessimistic person these days (for obvious reasons) and since we only have one embryo remaining I am very aware that there is a very high chance that it might not dethaw. Anyways Sandy said that they would either call me Thursday morning (the day of my procedure) before our schedule arrival time or if the embryo died off right away they would call me alreadyWednesday afternoon. With that question answered I left the office.

November 7
I had to work today and of course I was as nervous as all get out that I would get “the dreaded” phone call. I called my cell phone from my work phone approximately every 30 minutes (from 12-5pm) hoping and praying that I would hear the…NO NEW MESSAGES message. Thankfully I head that exact message every time I checked in!!!

November 8
Surprisingly enough I slept pretty good last night and woke up feeling quite refreshed this morning. But when the clock struck 8am my tummy started getting all nervous again because of the chance that we might (once again) receive that dreaded phone call. My mom arrived at 9:15am (to take care of Mase) and soon thereafter the clock struck 9:30am and since we hadn't received “the dreaded” phone call off to the office we went. Once arriving at the office things moved rather quickly and before we knew it we were walking back to the “implantation room.” Dr. Dodds came in all smiles and said lets check on the status of your embryo. He came back in and sat down. I instantly FROZE. Of course thinking the worst but then Dr. Dodds said you have a perfect grade 1 embryo. WHAT MUSIC TO MY EARS!!! He then continued to say that he wished he could take my blood to know how it is that we made such a beautiful embryo. I almost started to cry. What an answer to prayer. God saved our “BEST” embryo for last!!! Implantation went very smoothly and then after laying on my back for an hour…homeward bound we were.

Praying this is my last non-pregnant shot for awhile.

Right before implantation!!!

My perfect grade 1 embaby!!!
November 10
The worst thing about bed rest is the fact that I’m pretty sure my baby no longer likes me. Pretty sure he’s scared of me to be exact. Makes me sad. Definitely is becoming a daddy’s boy. Sure praying that we don’t have to go through this all over again because it’s not fun not being able to do anything for your baby. Please God let this embaby complete our family. You read that correctly. If this embaby becomes our second earthly child we will NOT attempt another retrieval. Don’t get me wrong though…we won’t stop “trying” to get pregnant on our own but we know that the statistics are NOT in our favor. But our God is a God of miracles so I would be lying if I said I wasn't praying for just one more miracle (baby)!!!

November 10
If you remember back to my last implantation I had a little errrr actually a LOT of trouble peeing afterwards. So much trouble that I had to go into the office the following morning to get cathed and then I also had to cath myself at home the following day. Well I was extremely worried that that was going to happen again. Thankfully I did not have the urge to pee during my hour of laying flat at the office (like I did last time). And since I didn’t have the urge to pee I waited (as I had done in all my previous (except for Mason’s) implantations) until I got home to use the bathroom. My first pee though kinda just trickled out but I was happy that I had at least gone some. Then for the rest of Thursday (the 8th) and all day on Friday (the 9th) my pee continued to just trickle out. Well actually most of the time I would first have to run some water in the sink and then sit and wait and sit and wait some more before some pee would finally trickle out. But I never felt empty. So finally on Saturday afternoon (while Mason napped) I told Brian that I HAD to cath myself. He was less than enthused but I was starting to worry about infection. (Urine just sitting in your bladder and not emptying out is not a good thing). And am I ever glad I went with my gut. I cathed out 950ml of urine. (Good thing I kept all the extra caths from Mason’s implantation)!!! Ohhh was I ever feeling better afterwards!!!

November 11
I can definitely tell that I am way less anxious this go around. And I believe a big part of this has to do with Mason. But this go around I am also choosing TRUST over ANXIETY.

November 14
I cannot even begin to say how thankful I am for such a wonderful mother and mother-in-law (and I must add here that my hubby is pretty amazing too)!!! And here’s why…these three wonderful peeps made it possible that I did NOT have to lift Mason for a FULL week. And in addition they (the moms) brought/cooked us meals that lasted us throughout the week too. SO THANKFUL!!!

November 19
So what I said before about not being anxious this time around…yeah that went out the window first thing this morning. After getting my blood drawn at 7am I came home to wait. And wait and wait we did. I kept asking Brian…“do you think we’re pregnant?”  And his answer was always the same…”I don’t know. What do you think?” To which I responded I don’t know which is why I am asking YOU!!! Finally I said YES I do think we’re pregnant and here’s why…

We may have done a new protocol but I was still implanted on day 18, we’re doing IM progesterone, and we had a perfect grade one embryo. And every time we've had a good embryo, been implanted on day 18, and done IM progesterone we've gotten pregnant. Also they told me that my lining the week before implantation was perfect. And when Dr. Dodds said our embryo was a perfect grade one I felt like it was a sign saying that this was going to work!!! I truly believe that God saved our best embryo for last. And last but not least Mason was due around Christmas and we found out on Good Friday. And if we are in fact pregnant this baby would be due around my birthday and we are finding out the week of Thanksgiving. So Mason would be my best Christmas gift and this baby would be my best Birthday gift. Coincidence it could be…but I think not!!!

And finally at 12:56pm the much anticipated phone call came. WE WERE PREGNANT!!! My hcg was 107. Happy and thankful doesn't even begin to describe our emotions!!!  So after a day of diarrhea, not eating, and laying in bed like a freezing statue I could finally relax and give thanks to God!!! Praying like crazy that this baby does in fact join our Earthly family of three come July!!!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Another Angel has its Wings

With a broken heart I yet again announce that Brian and I have lost another precious life. In the days to come I will give more details of our journey to baby #5 but for now just a few details. Yesterday I was 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant. We had a rough start to this pregnancy (yes it was another IVF pregnancy) but at 6 weeks 3 days and 7 weeks 3 days we saw a perfect little baby with a strong heartbeat. We were cautiously optimistic but the news did start spreading due to some of the issues early on. (And when I say early on I mean issues started already at 4 weeks 1 day). Well yesterday I started spotting again so I immediately called my RE and they squeezed me in for an afternoon ultrasound. Unfortunately my doctor was in surgery for the afternoon so his partner (who is also great) performed the ultrasound. Immediately both Brian and I could tell that there once again was no heartbeat. Baby measured perfectly for a 8 week 1 day fetus so I probably lost the baby yesterday or the night before.

It sucks to be going through this again. Especially because losing this baby opens up a whole can of questions. We honestly don't know where we are going to go from here but we are trusting that God will guide us and when we are too weak he will carry us to our answers. As I have said before and I will say it again. Loss is hard. No way about it. But always and forever I would rather have had this little life for the time I had than to never have had this life at all. In my heart I believe very strongly that one day I will meet this sweet baby along with his/her big brother and sisters. Eternity is FOREVER. Earth is actually just a blink of the eye. And to think I will be surrounded by 4 beautiful children when I get to heaven's gates is enough to keep my faith strong. I still believe that Jesus has a plan for our life here. And to be honest I believe that includes another earthly child. If it truly doesn't then God WILL change my heart. But for now we will persevere in our faith.

Today I am BEYOND thankful for my miracle boy Mason Dale. Every day he is becoming more and more of a miracle. I am blessed beyond measure to have him in my life. I am blessed beyond measure to be married to my best friend. I am blessed beyond measure to have the support of such wonderful family and friends. Thank you in advance for all the love and prayers!!! Even through such sadness God is always GOOD!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Santa vs. Carousel Ride

We went to the mall this past Friday in hopes of getting a picture of Mason with Santa. Go figure Santa was getting ready to take a break. We decided to grab a bite to eat and do some shopping to kill some time. When we went to get back in line 15 minutes before Santa was due back the line was out of control C-R-A-Z-Y. So Mason got himself a carousel ride instead. Looks like the Santa thing might not be happening this year...

Christmas Party (Take 2)

This past Saturday we celebrated Christmas with our very good friends the Zeinstras. We have a fun little tradition of fondue-ing (both oil and cheese). Scrumptious is an under statement!!! After dinner the kids exchanged gifts. Mason got some more mega blocks and a farm puzzle. He was feeling a little under the weather (he spiked a 103 degree temp later that night) but he still managed to have himself some fun.

Mason just let the girls do the unwrapping...

Taylor loves Mase!!!
Mason and Avery
Mason (11.5 mon), Avery (8), Lily (6), and Taylor (2)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Super Star Mommy Moment #2

Mason's face and our fireplace had a little rumble...
He was looking out the window when he got tripped up and fell cheek first into the fireplace.
It bruised instantly.
But so very thankful that it was just a bruise on his cheek and nothing worse.