Saturday, December 22, 2012

And Part Two Of Our Journey To Baby #5

*I apologize to those of you who read yesterday's posting and missed Thursday's posting. Some of this is repeat but if you skip to December 12 you will get the rest of the story.*

November 21
So today was beta (hcg) day #2. I wish more than anything I was that innocent girl (back in February 2010) with not a worry to my name…just excitedly waiting for my results. Instead I am petrified that something is going to go wrong. Yesterday I called and talked to one of my nurses and asked her to put a note on my chart saying that they could leave my results on my voice mail since I would be working. Thankfully the message got passed along (unlike last time) and when I checked my voice mail around 11am or so there was a message from my office. The message went something like this…Lindsey it’s Jennifer from the Fertility Center just calling to let you know that your hcg level came back and it looks great!!! Your level was 199. Continue taking your meds as before and we will see you for your ultrasound on December 5. Click. Insert TOTAL PANIC. Did I hear that correctly…my level was only 199??? It’s suppose to double and double for me would have been 214. I started shaking uncontrollably and immediately called the nurse back. I had to leave a message so I told them to call me on my work phone. I wanted answers and I wanted them ASAP. Jennifer called me back within 30 minutes and reassured me that although no my hcg had not doubled…that my level was still very good and that my doctor was not at all concerned. She said although we say they should double…really the level just needs to increase by 80% (mine increased by 86%). She said to try and relax and to not worry. But then continued with  I know that’s easier said then done. I thanked her and called Brian (who was at home watching Mason). I told Brian to do some research and he emailed me later saying that betas just need to double every 48-72 hours or need to increase by 66%. So for the rest of the day I tried not to worry.

November 23
If you know me at all you know I've done LOTS of research over the last few days on Dr. Google (concerning my non doubling beta level and my lack of pregnancy symptoms). As for my beta I am feeling a little better about the fact that it did not double. I've read many stories of people whose betas did not double and who went on to have completely normal pregnancies. Most doctors actually say that they just want to see a 66% increase (not the 80% that my office does). And my beta barely didn't double. If I would have waited another hour or so it most likely would have. Plus betas double every 48-72 hours and my second beta was drawn at exactly 48 hours. And betas can vary from person to person and pregnancy to pregnancy. Since I have never had my beta not double before the above sentence made me feel much better. And as for the lack of pregnancy symptoms I know that I didn't really have any with Mason this early on either. But I also know that when I am stressed I stop eating and obviously pregnancy causes me to be one stressed out chica…hence the lack of appetite. Plus Dr. Google said that it was very common to lose your appetite in the first few months. And obviously I am not going to have a bloated belly if I’m not eating. Ahhhh don’t you all wish you were as neurotic as me!!!

November 24
Bought some home pregnancy tests today when at the grocery store in hopes of seeing the line (that indicates whether you’re pregnant or not) get darker and darker. It should get darker if your hcg is increasing. Peed on a stick late this afternoon and the testing (pregnant) line was definitely darker than the control line!!!

November 26
Dr. Dodds called to say congrats!!! Have I ever told you how much I love my office!!! Unfortunately I didn't get to talk to him since I was working but it sure put a smile on my face after a long day at work.

November 27 
Peed on another stick. Testing line was once again darker than the control line. And if I might say it (the testing line) looked even darker today than it did on the 24th).

November 29
A day that I will NEVER forget. It started off like any other day but at 11am it took a sharp turn for the worse...because when I went to the bathroom there was blood. Not a lot but enough to scare the bejeebies out of me. Anyways I immediately called Brian...almost too stunned to speak. Then as I was calling my fertility office my mom called. I told her what was happening but then told her that I had to get a hold of my office and that I would call her back when I knew anything. Called my office and instead of leaving a message for one of my nurses to call me back I told the front desk that I HAD to talk to an IVF nurse. I was immediately transferred to Sandy. I then explained to Sandy that I had just used the bathroom and that there was a small amount of blood. She wasn't too concerned (because spotting is very common in early pregnancy) but to make me feel better she sent me to get my hcg drawn. Called Brian back and told him to get home. Once Brian got home I ran to the lab. Around 2pm I got a call back saying that my hcg had come back at 1926. Not good. At this point (if it had been doubling every 48 hours) it should have been around 3200. Plan is to get another level drawn on Saturday and my ultrasound was changed to Monday (Dec 3). Dr. Dodds was out of town and Dr. Young was worried about this pregnancy being ectopic. Pretty sure this day ranks in the top 5 WORST days of my life. 

November 30
Went to work today. It was a good distraction but of course my emotions got the best of me and I started crying. Which led me to telling a few coworkers what was going on. Up until this point only our parents, my sister, and two of my coworkers (who have also gone through IVF) knew what was happening. We wanted to be able to surprise people for once.

December 1
Hcg came back at 2569. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Should have been around 3850 today. Told to continue my meds though since my hcg was still increasing. Thankfully no more spotting since Thursday.

December 2
Had one more bout of spotting today. Pretty much accepting the fact that this pregnancy is over. Ready for my ultrasound tomorrow to confirm this. Sad. Angry. Depressed. I can't even begin to to describe my emotions at this point. Tears have been shed. Frustration has been voiced. Thankfully God is big enough for all my anger...cause right now there is LOTS of it. Wondering why us and why again. Haven't we been through enough. Brian and I have talked a lot over the few days about where we head next. It just sucks that we have to do another retrieval and once again make all the decisions that go along with it. And lets not forget that IVF is NOT cheap. My heart is so sad for so many reasons and on top of the list is the fact that for 3 and a half weeks I have not been able to carry my child. And what do I have to show for it. Nothing. Here's where the anger takes over. Aghhhhhhhh!!! WHY God WHY?

December 3
Big day. Ultrasound day. Not even nervous. I just want to know WHAT IS GOING ON. Everything went very quickly once arriving at the office and before I knew it Miss Wandy was doing her thing. Results...thankfully the embryo did in fact implant in the uterus (and not in one of my tubes) but at 5 weeks and 6 days there is only a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No fetal pole. Dr. Young recommends another US in 1 week. That is too long for me to wait so I ask if we can come back on Friday. Discussed with him lots of possibilities of what could be happening. He said at this point it could go either way but that if we were to just look at statistics that this will end well. Pretty sure he doesn't know that statistics never go our way. So once again we wait. Have I mentioned that I HATE waiting.
5 weeks 6 days
December 4
Had two more bouts of spotting at work which resulted in a couple more people finding out I was pregnant.

December 5
Had a mental breakdown today. Or should I call it an emotional breakdown. Either way I completely lost it and couldn't stop crying. Thankfully my mom called (what would I do without her) right when I was having my breakdown. She told me that she would pick me up when she got out of work so I (and Mase) could get out of the house. Basically I am sick and tired of waiting and not knowing whats happening. And I'm starting to feel really claustrophobic. Oh and angry that I still cannot lift my baby.

December 6
Happy freaking 4 years of struggling to build a family to us. Thanking God today for the miracle of our sweet baby boy Mason Dale!!!

December 7
OH MY WORD. We have a baby and we have a heartbeat!!! Praising God for this tiny (4.3mm tiny) baby. I know at any minute that this pregnancy could be over but for today I am thankful...SOOOOOO THANKFUL!!!  God is good!!! And even though Brian and I have been stressed, worried, angry, and doubtful (to name a few emotions)...God has proved how GREAT His LOVE is. And that miracles DO still happen!!!
6 weeks 3 days

But about today's appointment...Dr. Dodds is very encouraged by what we saw (thank you Jesus). To have gone from where we were on Monday to a 4.3mm baby with a heart beating at 119 bpm is not only excellent news but also very encouraging. Basically he said that we are for the most part at no higher risk of miscarrying than anyone else at 6 weeks pregnant. Normally once a heartbeat is seen the miscarriage rate is only 3-5%...but Dodds said he would put us at 7-8% based on our history. So now we wait. Next ultrasound is a week from today. Praying that my baby grows steadily bigger and bigger and that his/her heart is just a-beating away!!! Oh and Dodds also wants me to take it easy so he is restricting me to only working 8 hours shifts and relaxing the rest of the time.

(Again) today I just have to mention that our parents are AWESOME (and so incredibly supportive)!!! Between taking us out for dinner, making us dinner, watching Mason so we can run to all our appointments, to my mom picking me (and Mase) up just so we can get out of the house, to my father-in-law (who is retired) coming over to entertain/play with Mason...we have it SO GOOD. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful parents.

And I have decided today that NOTHING good comes from Dr. Google. So as of today I vow to NOT "G" ANYTHING here on out. Basically Google says that I will lose this pregnancy based on my slow rising hcg numbers. Whereas Dr. Dodds says that he is not at all concerned with my numbers. He said they approximately increased by 80% and that that is nothing to be concerned about. Bottom line...I need to start trusting and STOP worrying.


Dec 12
7weeks 1 day
Dec 14
Nervous as all get out as I headed into today's ultrasound but beyond thankful when I immediately saw that the baby had both grown (since last week) and still had a heartbeat!!! Baby measured 11.5mm (there was another measurement of 10.7mm...but I like the 11.5mm measurement better so gonna go with that one!!!) And baby's heartbeat was 151. Of course I get nervous when I compare this all to Mason (when he was 7 weeks 4 days). Mason was already  a whopping 16.3mm and his heartbeat was 165. But as EVERYONE has told me...EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT. Smoky bones when will I ever relax and TRUST.
7 weeks 3 days
Dec 18 
In some ways I feel like this pregnancy has been WAY more nerve-racking than Mason's pregnancy but then I think I back and remember that I was pretty neurotic during his too. It's just this time I have actual things (hcg and spotting) to worry about. I pray with all my heart and soul that this baby will in fact complete our earthly family. I do NOT want to do another fresh retrieval but I also want Mason to have a little brother or sister. So all we can do at this point is wait and see what God has in store for us...praying praying praying that its THIS BABY!!! And since I am trying to be positive I cannot wait until I am 14 weeks. I think then I just might be able to take a deep breath and relax some...maybe!!! 

I haven't been as good about documenting weight, pictures, symptoms this pregnancy so I am going to try my best to get better at it. And 8 weeks seemed like a good time to start!!! Although I plan on doing a shortened version this pregnancy...

How Far Along: 8 weeks

Size of Baby: Our little jelly bug is on average .63 inches and 0.04oz. Or for comparisons sake...the size of a kidney bean or a raspberry.

Weight Gain: I started at 143.5lbs and am currently down 2 pounds which is odd since I pretty much eat chocolate/chocolate chip cookies all day every day!!!

Gender: We will once again NOT be finding out!!! We LOVE the surprise!!!

Sleep: I wake to pee once or twice a night but otherwise I have been sleeping pretty good.

Symptoms: Hardly any. My doctor says to consider myself fortunate. I on the other hand wish I was puking up a storm ;) I would love a little reassurance ya know? I guess I would say that I am a little more tired than usual (because I am typically in bed between 8 and 9pm). And I am more hungry than normal...just not as tired or as hungry as I was with my other pregnancies. But I keep reminding myself that I have been so nervous/stressed and that always takes away my hunger. Again I know that every pregnancy is different and that I need to STOP comparing but its hard. Sometimes I think I have that "yucky" taste in my mouth that I had with both the girls and Mason's pregnancies but other times I think that I am just imaging it. I have NEVER had sore boobs and I have NEVER had vomiting or extreme nausea. I did however have LOTS of retching with Mason's pregnancy and have had none with this pregnancy.

Food Cravings: Meat and anything chocolate. Especially chocolate chip cookies!!! As a side note for the first 4 weeks (after implantation) I had NO (absolutely NO) appetite. I truly was forcing myself to eat. It's been better the last 2 weeks but basically I eat whatever sounds good. Which means we've hit up quite a few restaurants...when a craving hits thats where we head!!! I remember saying with my next pregnancy that I was really going to watch what I ate. Ha...that thought didn't last long.

Emotions: All over the stinking place. But I tell myself daily that worrying is not going to change a thing so I need to stop worrying and start trusting. God already has determined the outcome of this story and I need to trust that no matter what the outcome...that its perfect!!!

Dec 19
Headed into work today like any other day. Only this day turned into one of "those days" that I will never forget. I went to the bathroom around 11:15am and once again I was spotting. I immediately called my office and they squeezed me in for an afternoon ultrasound. Brian met me at our RE's office and once the probe was in we both immediately knew. Our sweet baby no longer had a heartbeat. No tears. Just that awful shock feeling. Numb to anything and everything. Not going to go into too many more details on here since I already blogged about this day here but figured it best to end this journey on the day it actually ended.

2 comments:

  1. Lindsey, you have been on my heart non-stop since I saw your post a few days ago. I'm so, so sorry you have to endure yet another loss... and all the ups and downs of the past few weeks. Praying you feel His loving arms wrapped around you and uplifting you as you mourn this sweet child and decide where to go from here. (hugs)

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  2. Ok, so I obviously missed this news somehow. I am so sorry for your loss and SO sorry that I missed it and left my last comment which is incredibly inappropriate knowing this news. Please know that you are in my prayers.

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