Thursday, January 10, 2013

Some Thoughts...

  • Yesterday I finally had a chance to sit down and write out the story of my miscarriage (that I posted earlier today). There were some details spared because if you know me at all I am an overly detailed person and I thought the post to be long enough already. But its important for me to journal about the loss because its a piece of MY FERTILITY JOURNEY and I don't want to forget one.single.piece.of.it. 
  • If I'm being honest sometimes I cannot believe this is my life. I never in a thousand years imagined it would be so hard to build a family.
-I would be lying if I didn't say that some days I just wish all the pain and suffering would go away and that my life would be all sunshiny and peaceful. But then I remind myself that if my life were all sunshiny and peaceful then I would have no need for God.

-I would be lying if I didn't say that some days I feel like I am the ONLY one suffering. But then I KNOW that I am NOT the only one suffering and if I am being truly honest I KNOW that there are people going through far worse things in in life than me. One prime example is of a dear coworker of mine. Her little girl Abby was diagnosed with Ependymoma (a form of cancer) this past March at 10 months of age. She was for the most part in remission when it came back this past December. Doctors have given her only 6 months to a year to live. I cannot even begin to imagine how that would feel as a parent. To be told your 18 month old daughter might not live to see her second birthday.
  • I remember the morning of implantation like it was yesterday. Praying like crazy that it would be our last implantation. My mom was over (because she was going to watch Mason) and as Brian and I were getting ready to leave I made a comment. The comment was that I either didn't want the embryo to dethaw or I just wanted it to be my take-home baby...but that I did NOT want it to be another failed implantation or worse another miscarriage. Brian thought my comment (about it not dethawing) was awful. He wanted it to have every chance possible. I clarified myself and said its not that I don't want it to not dethaw but if its going to be a failed implantation or another miscarriage I would rather it just end before it began. And wouldn't you know...worse case scenario DID happened. But even though this pregnancy ended in miscarriage and even though I am still hurting I truly would NOT in a million years change our story to the embryo not dethawing because I believe with ALL my heart that this baby will be waiting at heaven gates for me when I pass from this Earth. 
  • I said to my mom the other day that I am trying to see the silver lining in this loss. The biggest thing that I am "trying to see" is that any future child(ren) we have by IVF would NOT have been. And just as I saw why I had to endure the losses of Alayna, Ella, and Luke to get to Mason...I am "trying to see" that this child will lead me to a child(ren) that never would have been had this baby been born into my arms healthy and whole. Its a hard concept to understand but its one that helps me.
  • I am super ready to hear what Dodds has to say both about this miscarriage and what another retrieval will look like. There are so many decisions that Brian and I will have to make in the coming months and I am so grateful that we are walking through this with a Christian doctor who understands us. 
  • To answer a question (that has basically already been answered) Brian and I HAVE chosen to go ahead and do another retrieval. Before any final decision has been made we will discuss many things with our RE. But he sees absolutely no reason why we cannot continue on with IVF. And we both feel very strongly about Mason NOT being an only child and at this time adoption is not something we agree on.
  • Miscarriage stinks THE BIG ONE. No matter when (what time of the year) it happens it sucks. At first I thought that this miscarriage was by far the WORST possible timing. And as any loss does I started thinking about our other losses and the timing of our other losses. It was awful losing the girls but I was thankful that it was summer because there was lots to do and the sunshine was so rejuvenating. Then when we lost Luke in the middle of January I thought that the timing couldn't have been worse. But then I saw the plus side...January through April is my busy season at work and there are always extra shifts to pick up. So I picked up extra shifts like crazy to stay busy. And then this loss...a miscarriage right before Christmas. Could the timing be any worse? Yes Christmas was bittersweet because of the loss but on the plus side Brian was off for almost two weeks and it was most definitely nice having that time to mourn and just be together. And once again work is crazy busy (even crazier busy than it was two years ago) and since we need the extra money to pay for another retrieval it is nice being able to pick up so many extra shifts. And this is really the only time of the year that I like to pick up extra shifts because nothing is going on anyways. So long story still long...God's timing is truly the right timing...even though its hard to always see and believe that it is. 

3 comments:

  1. Lindsey, I am so sorry for your suffering, but as you said, God is there and he wants you to lean on him and turn to him. Continuing to pray for you and Brian. Love you!

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  2. Once again, I HATE that you have had to endure another loss. Praying that your appt with Dr Dodds goes well and that you continue to have hope.

    (P.S. It was good to run into you last weekend!)

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  3. So sorry for your pain Lindsey - wish I could take even a little of it away. You're in my prayers often!

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