The first few days after finding out that we had lost our fourth baby (simply put) were NOT FUN. But we continued on with life. I kept my play date for the following morning and Brian went back to work. Normalcy (we have found) works best for us. The one thing though that was different about this loss than all the others was that I had anger and LOTS of it. Now that I am a few weeks out I am definitely doing "better." My anger is dissipating and I am (once again) accepting that my ways are NOT always God's ways. And that in the end God's way is always the BEST way.
THE MISCARRIAGE STORY:
On December 24...five days after finding out that we had lost our baby I decided to call the fertility office to set up a D&C. I was hoping to schedule it for January 2 (two weeks from the loss). The office said that they would have to call me back on the 26th. They called me on the 26th and said that they were very sorry but that they would have to call me back again the following day. The following day was Mason's 1st birthday. We didn't have big plans for the day...the only "plan" was to spend it together as a family. We had to be out of our house by 8am because Brian's parents had graciously said that their cleaning lady could clean our house that morning instead of theirs. Big bummer when I got out of the shower at 7am and Brian said that his mom had just called and that Kathy (the cleaning lady) had gone into the hospital the night before for high blood pressure. So instead of doing anything "fun" I got to clean my house for 6 hours. (It took that long because it had not been cleaned in a good 10 weeks due to the implantation/pregnancy). Then (finally) at 5:30pm (on the 27th) the fertility office called me back and scheduled me for an office D&C for January 2. However, at the end of the conversation my nurse said...wait a second...Dodds has written down for you to have a hospital D&C. I explained why I didn't want a hospital D&C and she said that she would leave a note for Dodds and that someone would give me a call back in the morning.
Got my call back and was told that Dodds did in fact want me to have a hospital D&C. I explained to the new nurse that I preferred an office D&C and that when I miscarried last time I had had an office D&C and that I had been further along (by a few days). She said that she would talk to Dodds again and give me a call back. Got my call back and was told he STILL wanted me to have a hospital D&C. At this point I was pissed. My nurse went on to say that the person who schedules the surgeries would not be back in the office until January 2. Which angered me even more. So here I sat knowing that my D&C would not be until the 9th (of January) at the earliest.
The following day was Mason's one year pictures and his birthday party. Mason wasn't feeling well (remember we took him to the doctor on his birthday and he was diagnosed with an ear infection and a sinus infection). He cried the whole (picture) session. It was awful. He was a bit cranky at his party but did well for the most part. I worked the weekend and started looking at the schedule for extra shifts. Oh the joys. Enjoyed New Years Eve. Worked the holiday. And then finally it was January 2. Called the office since I have no patience and left a message with the surgery scheduler. She called me back and the earliest I could schedule a D&C was for January 16. (My doctor only does hospital D&C's on Wednesday afternoons). As you can imagine I was upset upon hearing that I could not have my D&C until the 16th. That would be 4 WHOLE weeks that I would be carrying my deceased child. Miserable. Unfair. Very angry. What I didn't tell the scheduler was that I had started spotting the day before. It was microscopic but it was there. Then on the morning of the 2nd I had had a little more spotting. But I wanted a D&C in the books in case I didn't miscarry on my own so I still scheduled the dreaded D&C. (During this phone call we also scheduled pre and post-op appointments).
The following day I went out to my sister's house to hang out for a bit and while there I had the sudden need to use the bathroom. THE FOLLOWING IS GOING TO BE A BIT TMI SO STOP HERE IF YOU WANT. When I wiped there were a few clots. Twenty minutes later I again rushed to the bathroom and there were some clots in the toilet. I hoped and prayed that I was actually going to do this on my own. Once home the bathroom visits continued and at a more frequent rate. Bigger and bigger clots were coming out. Brian had wanted to run out and get some new frames and I thought I could handle that. But after being in the car for 10 minutes and then standing I knew I wasn't going to last long (at the eye glass place). When I stood I felt a rush of blood and knew I had passed something. I hurried into the bathroom and was in there for a good 10 minutes. I was starting to "feel" when I passed any clots. I used the bathroom a second time before leaving. At home things continued to the point that I was using the bathroom every 5-10 minutes. I was definitely passing things...just not sure if it was the baby or not. Then at one point I felt the urge to use the bathroom again and felt a contraction and something big came out. However, since everything went to the bottom of the toilet I couldn't tell if it was the baby or not...plus everything was so bloody. Things eased up around 9pm that night. To be very honest I wanted to miscarry on my own so emotionally it was not hard and physically it was NOT painful at all. Of course the fact that it was not painful at all worried me that I did not pass everything and that I would still need the D&C.
The following morning (January 4) I called the office and explained what had happened. They asked if I had seen any white or gray tissue. My response was I have no idea...everything was so bloody and anything that had weight to it floated right to the bottom of the toilet. So we tacked on an US to my pre-op appointment which happened to be scheduled for January 7. Long story short PTL I DID pass everything on my own. What an answer to prayer!!! So my D&C was canceled and an appointment to talk about the future was scheduled. We meet with Dodds a week from tomorrow to talk about EVERYTHING. And I am more than ready to get some questions answered.
Let me quick share a funny story. When the miscarriage was first starting to happen I was at my sister's house WITH my nieces and nephews (and obv Mason). My 5 year old niece Cambrey does NOT miss a thing. Later that afternoon while doing crafts with her cousin (on the other side) she said to her mom (my sister) remember when Aunt Linnie was having all those globs this afternoon. When my sister emailed me what Cambrey had said I just started laughing. It's always good to see the humor even in the worst situations!!!
Happy 7th Birthday, Sadler!!
5 days ago