June 2010 seems so long ago. Yet at the same time it doesn't. I remember the fear, the anxiety, the intense sadness, the loneliness of that summer as if it were yesterday. If I let myself go back it's still fresh in my mind. It still hurts.
But then I fast forward to today and I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade a single moment, event, or day of that summer (or of my life). Because every moment, every event, every day led me to where I am at today. The Earthly mother to two beautiful children. Lamentations 3:22-23 says it perfectly..."Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfullness."
If we could see beyond today
As God can see;
If all the clouds should roll away,
The shadows flee;
O'er present griefs we would not fret.
Each sorrow we would soon forget,
For many joys are waiting yet
For you and me.
If we could know beyond today
As God does know,
And tears must flow;
And why the darkness leads to light,
Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;
Some day life's wrongs will be made right,
Faith tells us so.
"If we could see, if we could know,"
We often say,
But God in love a veil does throw
Across our way;
We cannot see what lies before,
So we cling to Him the more,
He leads us till this life is o'er;
Trust and obey.
(Streams in the Desert)
Our trials are great opportunities, but all too often we simply see them as large obstacles. If only we would recognize every difficult situation as something God has chosen to prove His love to us, each obstacle would then become a place of shelter and rest, and a demonstration to others of His inexpressible power...We must trust the Lord through the darkness, and honor Him with unwavering confidence even in the midst of difficult situations. The reward of this kind of faith will be like that of an eagle shedding its feathers is said to receive-a renewed sense of youth and strength. (J.R. Macduff)
I am so thankful we trusted the Lord through the darkness. Honored him with unwavering (most of the time) confidence even in the midst of our infertility battle and the loss of our daugthers and the two children we never met. Because the reward we've been given (the gift of Mason and Molly) shows me not only God's faithfullness but also His great LOVE. Four years ago I was home on bedrest. Five days past when the horror story began. Four days from deliverying my first child. Four years later I am the mother to six beautiful children. Four that I have given birth to. Two that I carried inside me for a very short time. And of those six TWO that I get the privilege to raise here on Earth. Thank you Jesus!!!
Yesterday I made some jam with my mom and we started talking about the events of four years ago. I started crying because I DO still miss them. I DO still wonder about them. Who would they look like? Whose personality would they have? (Looking at pictures I kinda think Molly might have resembaled Ella). But then I said something to my mom that I know I've said on here before. If I hadn't lossed them Molly would never have been and maybe not Mason either. And I cannot even begin to imagine my life without them. They way I think about it is that my time here on Earth missing them is just a blink of an eye but when I (and Brian, Mason, & Molly) get to Heaven we will ALL (with Alayna, Ella, Luke, and "Blake") be together forever and ever and ever...I can wait but also can't wait for that day. The day I can wrap my arms around all my children.